Aerobics after work

I do hope its not going to be another one of those 'now you see it, now you dont' cases. the state govt has come up with quite a good number of programmes for the civil servant but most times they just die an unnatural death.

Anything to do with promoting good health and increasing one's fitness level should be welcomed and encouraged but sadly, today's only the 2nd day of the programme (the 1st was on tuesday) and the turn out still leaves a lot to be desired. well helloooo... its convenient (right slap bang in the middle of the workplace) and its free !! *sigh* i guess one waits until one sees signs of sickness before wanting to do something about it.

Anyway, even if it wasnt as vigorous as pounding out the usual 3km i did manage to sweat it out quite a bit. except that the choice of music could have been better though.

Well it was a mad mad rush after that. see, i had a teh tarik session lined up at 8 pm with my semsas mates but i had earlier promised AF, who was also fasting along with me, domino's pizza for berbuka. what was that new pizza again... mmm, beefy nacho crunch or something?! neeways, first i had AH to pick up from school and turns up her good friend amy wanted a ride home so before i could settle the pizza thing, i had to drop off amy first. pegi balik pegi balik, we were still at domino's when the azan sounded so there i was dashing about like a madwoman (hmmm... already a crazy ole coot as it is lol).

Just as i completed my solat it started pouring pulak.... no not the usual cats & dogs variety mind you but the tigers & elephants kind lol all in all i reached the teh tarik rendezvous point almost an hour late... and there wasnt even a hint of rain there !!!! ahh but it was all worth it bcoz meeting up with old friends just feels sooooooooo good doesnt it :)


** Workout Log**

Aerobics session - 45 t0 60 mins - incldg warming up & cooling down

To go or not to go

Hmmmm i'm giving the 1st ever mass aerobic session of the state govt a skip. better let them iron out all the 'virgin' glitches so as not to be disappointed and waste time as well. so, its the gym for me then.


** Pounding Log**

Time: 35 mins
Distance: 4.7km
Speed: average 9 km/hr
Incline: 1-2
Calories burned: 300 kj

Hanging out

I've been a little too self-absorbed lately and enough is enough.... time to move on bcoz the clock's ticking and for people heading for the 'penghujung jalan' like me, time's precious and not to be wasted.

AF's home for a week and mighty happy for the opportunity to be in the company of his GF. AI's actually going wanko with so much free time on his hands. He turns all hyper when i'm home and i kinda wondered what was going on. we had a good laugh when he told me... "La ma tak tau ke?!? your coming home is the 'highlight' of my day la maa!!!" heheheh.... tu laaaaaa, ma suruh keje, malasssssssssssss. kan dah sangap tahap maut :) now AH.... she seems to keep herself pretty occcupied bullying her bros and getting bullied right back so theres no question of wasting any time there i dont think lol.

Spent the whole sunday afternoon out in sunway piramid watching the kids falling all over themselves at the ice rink. hehehe.... now that was fun.... lebih banyak slipping & sliding then skating but i dont think i'd have done any better. there was quite a crowd there and the heavy traffic melted much of the ice causing a lot of water to be present. macam banjir pulak and instead of getting cold from the ice you get cold from getting all wet. sheeesh.. probably inline skating would be better, or at least drier lol. aie was happy no matter what the condition bcoz his gf came with us, AH was also happy bcoz she wasnt the only girl to be picked on by her bros, i was happy to have the whole mall at my disposal if i so chose to explore (i read my book instead lol) but poor poor AI was the only one a little miserable with his lot - there he was out on the skating rink and he just couldnt get the hang of it. relek ah kiddo... probably will learn faster if you fall around a bit :)

Been feeling fat & extremely bloated the whole week. just hate the feeling... almost didnt run at all which certainly didnt help in making me feel any better.


**Running Update**

thurs 16/02/06 - 3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins

sat 18/02/06 - 1 lap plus= 3.8km plus= 30 mins

Weekly tally= 6.8km [weh... menyedihkan!!]


**Caspian Newsflash**

My 'jenguk dapur pun tidak' cek abe is now a cook - with a couple of pretty nifty dishes under his belt.... woo hooooo!!!! osso for lack of opportunity to play golf, has now mastered pool as well. way to go yang :)

Salvaged from the rubble

I tell my kids if you start off looking for good, insyallah you'll find it even in a pile of dung.... i mean it is after all a good choice of baja kan heheh!!!

So whatever had happened to me in the past, i have most certainly been blessed. if nothing else, i have become more open-minded & less judgemental of fellow humans. i find myself accepting people as they are because we are all in our own ways trying our best to manage... and we are all in our own ways trying to make sense of it all. masing2 dengan cara masing2. i try my best not to lose sight of the 'big picture' and i try my best to avoid nit-picking... tak kemane jadi nye nanti bcoz after all, apart from the Creator, nothing is perfect. buat yang terbaik and let go... tawakal. jangan la nak jadi control freak because after all banyak mana sangat la things in life that is actually within our control pun kan?!!

And here's a couple of things that i find myself reminding the kids often:

1. Kalau tak makan cili jgn gatal2 nak rasa pedas.
Carrying guilt around is a heavy burden especially when its unnecessary. i know coz i've been doing it for so many years and being constantly defensive is no fun either. so i tell my kids... jangan nak ngada2 merajuk la, defensive la kalau theres no cause for it. for example, when a parent has more than 1 kid, or when a teacher addresses a whole classroom full of students... dia akan marah2 and tegur secara pukal whatever wrongdoings or misdeeds yg dah berlaku. sooo memang la kita kena ambik berat segala teguran & nasihat tapi jangan la terasa pulak kalau bukan kita yang buat.... nak react buat apa kan after all we didnt do nothin' so biar yang bersalah tu jer la berperasaan. kita tak payah susah2 nak feeling tak menentu, buang masa jer and all that negative vibes akan makan dalam if you let it. again, kalau tak buat jangan nak terasa, just ambik perhatian jer.

2. Dont go out there expecting dogs to meow and cats to bark.
Of course dogs will bark and cats will meow... to expect otherwise would be setting yourself up for disappointment. unless god decides to grant you a miracle or... anjing tu gi sekolah meow pulakz heheh. and if such a thing were to happen then consider it a bonus. otherwise, jangan expect unrealistic things from people. say, kalau baru main2 cinta kat sekolah and the guy acts like a bozo jgn la pulak act surprise, were you really expecting commitment & maturity from a guy that age (sheesh)?!? or if you're dealing with your MIL and you kutuk2 her son takde kesian punye, you think she's going to take that lying down?! puhleeze la... have some basic sense of what/who we're dealing with.

3. You've really gotta make your own sunshine.
Life will dish out all sorts of things good & bad but its not about what happens to you, but how you react to it. For that, one has to be strong and to be strong one has to know oneself. in this teeming mass of humanity, its so easy to lose our sense of self... who we are and what we are. so like our beloved prophet recommends, constantly muhasabah diri, that way we are always in touch with ourselves. we'll come to realise our own strengths and weaknesses, be able to work our way around it and eventually capitalise on whats best. that way no matter what happens, we'll find the strength to carry on. and dont go blaming others if we're not happy, that decision is ours to make. kalau GF moody jangan la pulak kita yang lelebih lol.... get a grip ;)

4. Stand firm but hiasi diri dengan ehsan.
Whether we like it or not, we do live a life of interdependence. the decisions we make, the actions we take somehow affect others be it in small ways or big. so nak tak nak we're part of a big whole and we have to respect that. so berhati2 melalui liku2 kehidupan. jangan terlalu keras sampai menganiaya org lain tapi jgn pulak terlalu lembek sampai di pijak2. its best to remain firm in your convictions but always do it with ehsan. theres so many ways to deal with a situation. for example, if someone's done something wrong and needs reprimanding, just say what you have to and leave it at that... no need la to dredge up the poor guys dirty linen and air it in public. or when you're rejecting somebody, you can say no and be a bitch or you can say no and still let the guy down with pride intact. dont go around dropping people's water face maaaaa..... coz what goes round does come around. ehsan - there can never be enough of it.

5. Have faith, always sangka baik and jangan mudah prasangka.
Believe in a merciful and benevolent god, set your default at seeing the good in things and dont harbour a suspicious nature. it'll be easier on you in the long run. i'm not saying be a push-over, weh berwaspada tetap berwaspada tapi apa salahnye bersangka baik. but its so easy to mistake malu for sombong, selamba for uncaring etc etc. give people the benefit of doubt and while you're at it, cut some slack will ya... leave some room for mistakes, especially by loved ones because it is after all an integral part of learning. osso, berprasangka ni tak ada faedah nyer. suspicious people are never at peace and more often than not, become either a ketankerous sourpuss that everybody avoids or a pathetic neurotic who's fearful of his own shadow. insyallah, if its goodness that you seek its goodness that you'll find.

Yup kiddos, its the same old same old.... but you'll be mighty surprised to find that it's gonna stay relevant for quite awhile lol!!!


** Updated Log**

Thurs 09/02/06 - 3 mini laps= 3 km= 18 mins

Sat 11/02/06 - 1 complete lap= 3.8 km= 30 mins

Sun 12/02/06 - 4 mini laps= 4 km= 30 mins

Weekly tally= 16.8 km

A can of worms

I'm filled with a certain disquiet lately.... a restlessness & unease of heart and soul.

Recent events have brought me face to face with a past that have long been buried; as deep as the bowels of the earth but now i'm beginning to wonder if it might not have been deep enough.

My childhood was never a normal one by any standards. i was raised by parents both too young and too wrapped up within themselves & each other to ever consider the lonely plight, let alone the needs, of an only child.

Both needy, both egoistic, both stuck in a love/hate relationship that didnt make any sense whatsoever to a young child. and even the constant presence of my grandma, hovering in the background didnt do much to lessen the confusion. there were the endless scenes and tantrums thrown by my mother, the fights and quarrels that frequently ended with father grovelling at her feet, the constant manipulations, the occasional deceit and no matter what anyone did, that prevading sense of dissatisfaction and displeasure was always there.

I have major memory lapses of those years i'd spent growing up in Kem Bt 5... and they were actually welcomed gaps because that period of time had the greatest impact on me and left me saddled with serious issues. at 8, you are at your most vulnerable and most impressionable. of course you will eventuallty find the strength to rise beyond all the blows that is dealt out to you but, in the meantime, you just try to hang on the best way you know how.

For me it was blocking out. for me it was staying just out of conflict's reach. for me it was to cater to everyone's need but my own. for me it was to be pleasantly obedient. and for me it was always, always, to absorb everybody's gulit and accept the fault as mine whatever it may be. my mother wanted out but she had to stay because of me; my father loved my mother more than life itself but dealing with her rejection day in day out must have eaten at him; and grandma completed the triangle by constantly switching sides and adding fuel to the fire.... and in the madhouse that was my home, where everyone was acting so crazily, it was left to me to look out for everyone.

So i never really had the chance to be young or feel young since i felt totally responsible for everyone and everything. yes because of me, everyone was stuck in that vicious cycle with no way out until it was too late and the damage to everyone was already too great to be salvaged. because of my faith, i had to be thankful for my existence but that didnt stop me from feeling completely unworthy and guilty, always guilty. didnt help at all that i understood what everyone was going through: my mother didnt know any better because she was just 16 when she got hitched, my father loved her too much to be effective as a leader and husband, and grandma's crime was to have idolised mother till she felt she could do no wrong. i was the outsider, the loner and life was filled with uncertainty.

With nowhere to lay the blame and conditioned to place others before self, i was in my own way living a life of quiet desperation. nobody really realised that below the placid waters was a turbulence that was sometimes totally out of my control. for a long while i had to deal with extremely low self-esteem culminating in self sabotage & bullimic tendencies. but great is the Almighty for i am mostly at peace with myself now.

Out of the blue, life has presented me with this opportunity to put my past to rest, to really help me let go perhaps? friends from that period of my life have somehow returned and are now suddenly a big part of my life. i smile when i hear them reminiscing about the good old days because my own recollection are mostly blurry; the sweet is always laced with the pain. when most of them were jumping about in blissfull ignorance i was already manuervering my way around half-crazed adults trying my best to hang on to my sanity. nothing was to be taken for granted; one minute they were drowning me with love, the next, burying me in censure.

There are plans for a big reunion back in my old primary school and of course i look forward to meeting up with everyone but i'm also fearful that the worms would devour me. reliving every bend and turn of my old life and being back there where it all happened might just unlock every damn memory, both good & bad. i dunno... i do hope i have really become strong enough.

Cruising

**Running Log**

3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins

Pounding away

Brain's too scrambled to write anything useful.

**Running Log**

3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins..... just taking it easy in the mornings.

Weekly tally= 15.8 km

Just existing

**Running Log**

3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins

Paperwork oh paperwork

After the long break....... timbunan upon timbunan. need i say more?!!

Lepakz 3

Was feeling a little restless so i went out on my own (kiddos sibuk main puter games) just to check out the latest offerings at the nearby malls. i did the shah alam triangle i.e. pkns complex, alam central & sacc (sacc is still the better place to just meander about aimlessly) and ended up with 4 blouses (one a little on the itsy bitsy side but what the heck), a silver bracelet (the last one putus on me yet again, lasak person that i am), some make-up basics to replenish my poor poor excuse of a beauty bag, a plasticbagful of rotiboys and my head full of gift ideas for old friends.

Well shopping aint so bad after all when you're not telling yourself "you must get something"!!!!

**Running Log**

1 lap= 3.8km= 25 mins