A can of worms

I'm filled with a certain disquiet lately.... a restlessness & unease of heart and soul.

Recent events have brought me face to face with a past that have long been buried; as deep as the bowels of the earth but now i'm beginning to wonder if it might not have been deep enough.

My childhood was never a normal one by any standards. i was raised by parents both too young and too wrapped up within themselves & each other to ever consider the lonely plight, let alone the needs, of an only child.

Both needy, both egoistic, both stuck in a love/hate relationship that didnt make any sense whatsoever to a young child. and even the constant presence of my grandma, hovering in the background didnt do much to lessen the confusion. there were the endless scenes and tantrums thrown by my mother, the fights and quarrels that frequently ended with father grovelling at her feet, the constant manipulations, the occasional deceit and no matter what anyone did, that prevading sense of dissatisfaction and displeasure was always there.

I have major memory lapses of those years i'd spent growing up in Kem Bt 5... and they were actually welcomed gaps because that period of time had the greatest impact on me and left me saddled with serious issues. at 8, you are at your most vulnerable and most impressionable. of course you will eventuallty find the strength to rise beyond all the blows that is dealt out to you but, in the meantime, you just try to hang on the best way you know how.

For me it was blocking out. for me it was staying just out of conflict's reach. for me it was to cater to everyone's need but my own. for me it was to be pleasantly obedient. and for me it was always, always, to absorb everybody's gulit and accept the fault as mine whatever it may be. my mother wanted out but she had to stay because of me; my father loved my mother more than life itself but dealing with her rejection day in day out must have eaten at him; and grandma completed the triangle by constantly switching sides and adding fuel to the fire.... and in the madhouse that was my home, where everyone was acting so crazily, it was left to me to look out for everyone.

So i never really had the chance to be young or feel young since i felt totally responsible for everyone and everything. yes because of me, everyone was stuck in that vicious cycle with no way out until it was too late and the damage to everyone was already too great to be salvaged. because of my faith, i had to be thankful for my existence but that didnt stop me from feeling completely unworthy and guilty, always guilty. didnt help at all that i understood what everyone was going through: my mother didnt know any better because she was just 16 when she got hitched, my father loved her too much to be effective as a leader and husband, and grandma's crime was to have idolised mother till she felt she could do no wrong. i was the outsider, the loner and life was filled with uncertainty.

With nowhere to lay the blame and conditioned to place others before self, i was in my own way living a life of quiet desperation. nobody really realised that below the placid waters was a turbulence that was sometimes totally out of my control. for a long while i had to deal with extremely low self-esteem culminating in self sabotage & bullimic tendencies. but great is the Almighty for i am mostly at peace with myself now.

Out of the blue, life has presented me with this opportunity to put my past to rest, to really help me let go perhaps? friends from that period of my life have somehow returned and are now suddenly a big part of my life. i smile when i hear them reminiscing about the good old days because my own recollection are mostly blurry; the sweet is always laced with the pain. when most of them were jumping about in blissfull ignorance i was already manuervering my way around half-crazed adults trying my best to hang on to my sanity. nothing was to be taken for granted; one minute they were drowning me with love, the next, burying me in censure.

There are plans for a big reunion back in my old primary school and of course i look forward to meeting up with everyone but i'm also fearful that the worms would devour me. reliving every bend and turn of my old life and being back there where it all happened might just unlock every damn memory, both good & bad. i dunno... i do hope i have really become strong enough.