Di ambang 2006

New year is coming in fast and the first thought that crosses my mind is will i see the end of it as i have 2005? if a marriage or relationship can go wrong in a million different ways so can our lives. death is certain and most times it comes without warning. i pray for a long, happy, healthy life.... not only for me but for family and friends. and that includes you too, my fellow bloggers.

I'm in a melancholic mood. tonite will be my last nite with Abe before he leaves for ashgabat tomorrow morning. i cant even begin to describe my feelings as i sit here and wait for him to return from his morning game. its like a dull ache and a slow bruising of the soul. i need to be with him, cant bear the thought of 'losing' him, yet another 'goodbye' is inevitable. such is the sacrifice that one makes in the name of practicality & rationality.

- its only practical that i take care of family & home while he takes care of business

- its only rational that we dont risk the children's health & future by moving to a country whose medical facilities & education is questionable.

But when is the heart ever really practical or rational ? How do i rid myself of this ache, this pain, this loneliness?

Friends have been endlessly teasing me about the sex (or lack of) but although i'm not saying it isnt important bcoz it is (gawd, the gnawing need that sometimes surface at the most inopportune times), its also the other stuff that 'old' married couples enjoy which i miss so much - the snoring that accompanies the snuggling, the bitching that laces the sharing, the grumpiness that follows the giving...... oh i could go on and on. but arising from all that familiarity, is the blessed acceptance of the many imperfections between 2 individuals and that sense of belonging.

I didnt have any roots and had me a wild & restless soul but then he came along and somehow... he grounds me; he's my akar tunjang. they say i'm a strong person but thing is, part of my strength comes from him. and though i carry on as indeed i must, he's taken a part of me with him. i grew up a soldier's daughter and to think i cut myself loose from everything & anything to do with the army just because i didnt want to be an 'isteri yg ditinggal2kan' !!

Am i optimistic of 2006? of course i am because i'm like that but it will certainly be hard managing with only half of me to call my own.


Neeways.... HAPPY NEW YEAR.