Shoulder pain

Pounding the pavements the way i do (and factoring in my age) should make me vulnerable to knee or lower body problems but its my right shoulder that's been bugging me since last september. it started with a couple of uncomfortable twitches & twinges (which i had thought would eventually disappear) and has gradually worked itself up to a point i cant comfortably carry the usual 4-5 kilos that i lug around at the end of a wet market session anymore. pathetic giler siot considering i'm used to handling 10 kg rice packs when its time for the monthly groceries.

It reached the stage where i just had to do something about it and thats how i got to be at SJMC early this morning. the GP that i saw referred me to a neurologist but upon examination, the guy passed me over to another specialist. rupa nyer silap orang. "we're here for the 'wiring' " he said, "but you clearly need to see the 'contractor' " . yeah, whatever. being a layman i cant really tell the difference between the two so i guess i'm blaming the GP; she should have known better. so off i went to see the recommended rheumatologist instead. but i can tell you, i wasnt actually feeling too hot about that either because i do have a strong family history of rheumatism/arthritis on my maternal side and i've had this sneaking suspicion my pains were due to that. gawd, spare me... i'm neither ready nor prepared to have joints pains so soon!!! but from my findings (thanks to the internet we can all suddenly turn 'pros' much to dismay of the real, genuine experts) its either that or cold shoulder or tendonitis or impingement something or other (belajar tak khatam ni mmg bahaya lol).

Anyway, turns out i had probably sprained one of the four tendons there at my shoulder joint and yeah it was what they called tendonitis or to be more specific, rotator cuff tendonitis (whatever lol) . so the doc gave me an antiflammatory jap with steroids and specific instructions to rest the particular arm for a whole week (sigh.. no running or aerobics). i am to slowly ease into my normal activities by the 2nd week and all should be well by the 3rd to 4th week. if the pain returns then it could be a whole new ball game - compressed or trapped tendons or something similar and worse case scenario would be surgery. yukky yuks.... but we'll deal with it when we get there. hopefully it wont come to that (dua dua dua).

But short term gain from the hospy visit - the good doctor issued an mc for me to rest and ta daaaaaa.... here i am reporting live form the comfort of home sweet home. for now lets forget all about that pile of reports and documents waiting at the office shall we lol !!!!


TGIF but alas... sunday's just round the corner.


Last Workout Log (for the time being)
21/03/06
-run, 3km plus @ tasik shah alam= 30 mins (morning).
-aerobics session: 1 hr plus with malik @ SUK's main lobby (after work).

23/03/06
-aerobics session: 35 mins @ SUK's main lobby lobby (after work).
- treadmill: 25 mins, 3km, speed 8 (slow pace) & 6.5 (brisk walk), incline 1 - 3, calories 300kj (after aerobics)

Countdown

I have till sunday to enjoy the company of my other half, the half that completes me. how time does fly.. feels like only yesterday that i was picking him up at klia. tak sempat pejam celik dah pun nak masuk 3 minggu. i miss him already.

After a late breakfast (when i left for work he was snuggling with the kids and it seems that they all tertidoq balik lol - abah, AH & AI) abe went to pick up his 3 month supply of meds from anis clinic which came up to 1 big plasticbag full - equivalent to a short stint at tesco or giant. kenyang la makan ubat nampaknye :) we have to somehow stow the meds carefully away because the authorities at the terminal of his destination, tak makan saman dan akan rampas jer apa2 jenis ubat2an walaupun bersurat dan bersebab. its mainly a communication problem because the ruskies there refuse to use any other language but their own. dalam pada tu ada juga sikap bodoh sombong sebab kalau tidak takkan berlaku kes buang susu tin utk babies. since when has infant formulas ever been questionable?! touchy giler.

Walaupun begitu, pihak berkuasa disana tidak pula terlalu teliti kerana kalau disorok dengan baik, ikan pekasam pun boleh lepas lol. asalkan pek elok2 dan bertawakal macam2 yang dah terlepas masuk. success rate mengikut kreativiti masing-masing. the man has indicated an interest in sambal kacang & bilis goreng plus kepingan kurau masak cili. for him no serunding merundings sebab dah muak growing up in the east coast and he's also grown sick of brahims. we'll see what we can do.

Yesterday AI & me took time off lunch to drop by putrajaya... parcel E to be exact. destination: block E9, borang UPU drop off point!!! yeah, instead of depending on any of the courier services we deemed it more reliable & satisfying to send the forms off ourselves lol. lucky thing for us even if it was our 1st time thereabouts everything was smooth sailing. we parked by the kerb (everyone else seem to be doing the same thing) meandered over to where there were people and immediately found the relevant counters. there were 2 counters just for dropping off the UPU forms and 2 counters for 'pertanyaan & semakan'. since we were already there we had them check the contents before finally submitting and signing the submission registrar. haaaa puas hati and the staff on duty were extremely helpful & friendly. great work people!!!! its not easy handling parents equally harrassed/blur/demanding lol. wonder why tak ramai orang around klang valley yang drop off sendiri.... i'm sure ada yang tak sure about the requirements especially the first timers. to have people willing and in the position to explain & advice is truly a godsend. now whats left is just to send out the other forms to the relevant IPTAs since my son picked courses that include interviews.

Semoga anak ma berjaya :)

F1 fever

I've always liked the adrenalin rush of fast driving tapi bila dah berumur ni ada gak 'cuak' skit2 because my reaction time whether i like it or not has been compromised by the piling years. still, to spend time out there watching the racers go thru their motion in the glaring sun isnt really my cup of tea either... its the idiot box for me (die hard i am definitely not lol).

But i did go for the Petronas M'sian Grand Prix Spring Gala though and was entertained to the max not only by lionel ritchie (i'm not really a fan but the music was superb), but by the antics of the glam & beautiful. whoa.... up close and personal with the 'beautiful people' sekali sekala seronok gak and beats birdwatching anytime lol. macam2 ada. i never really considered kl as tinsel town but i've since changed my mind.

Lionel's a bit montel but whadaya expect i guess, since time spares no one in the end. fortunately the guy still sounds the same lol and i 'specially liked the songs from his commodore years. brick house was a riot and he got the bunch of us on our feet stomping away lol and of course ramai yang cair when he crooned truly, hello and still. siap serenade kat the sweet but most obviously pregnant mastiza (was that her name?) on stage and muah muah summore. hmmm, city folks aye?!! unfortunately no pics were allowed and the few stolen snaphots with the hp showed just coloured lights lol

Later there was the dinner show with whats her name... (these days the more i rack my brains the more elusive the thought) liza hanim was a little grating on the nerves. it would have been ok if it was a concert of sorts but somehow menjerit2 n dinner does not go together. kena soothing gitu baru boleh enjoy the food and the dinner conversation. apa2pun yours truly couldnt be any happier having the man all to herself :)


*sigh* its so good to be a couple again but the countdown will be starting very soon. and when i'm all by my lonely self... thats when my running log will start to recommence lol

Jdorama

Sejak ketiadaan suami i've become a Jdorama junkie. i started out riding the waves of anime with the kids (really interesting stuff that AF downloads from the net) but now me & AH have branched out and chosen a path the guyz are reluctant to follow (sebab in their opinion its just a little too poyo lol) - the path of japanese & korean dramas :)

Now the ladies in this family (excluding mak of course; she still prefers ahmad jais lol) have fallen hook line & sinker for the nippon's Double T - Takeshi & Takashi (reminds me of Johnson & Johnson la pulak lol). weh, talk about eye candy!!!!! not that i'm ever giving up sir anthony hopkins whom i absolutely adore (and certainly more suitable fare for my age group) but those two!!!!! *SIGH* i can still just ogle now cant i lol!?!! It all started with GTO & Takashi Sorimachi (great teacher onizuka - the mini-series not anime) and God Pls Give Me More Time & Takeshi Kaneshiro. also included in this smargosboard of drama & movies both japanese & korean are Golden Bowl, Overtime, Turn Left Turn Right, the drama version of Socrates in Love, Someone Teach Me English, My Little Bride and a couple of others. and why do we actually prefer the mini-series over the better produced movies? because even if it does tend to drag along a little bit, it sure lasts that much longer lol

And even with the man home, we still make time for our little drama sessions.... dah addicted nak wat camane, right sya? ;)

Cheers peeps !!!

Kemaruk

The poor poor man!!! missing all his fav food, somebody's surely making up for all the lost time lol. its makan makan makan. before long he's gonna put back all of the 6 kg he'd shed!!!!!!! tapi sanggup ke nak tegur seeing that he's enjoying himself so much??!! hmmmm.... biorkan jer :) so long as he's not jeorpadizing his sugar & cholestrol levels i guess.

And theres also the thing about his golfing - another kemaruk area there lol. since he got back he's already been in a 6-flight mini tournament, two late afternoon sessions & one nite game.... and the guy's only been back 5 days lol!!!! his golf buddies have already lined up games and tournies for him from now till the very day of his flight out. heh... and i know well enough not to stand between a man and his golf buddies!!!! perang dingin nanti lol and i certainly dont want anything to do with this dingin dingin stuff. lets keep it hot and smokin' shall we?!!

The only setback in all of this is i'm keeping him company eating away w/out a care in the world. AND i'm also NOT running as much as i'm used to!!!!! weh... this is not good.... not good at all!!!! kena laa pura2 makan jer macam ni (yeah right !!!! lol)


Workout Log
Aerobics & dance - 1 hour session.
i love it when malik's on the podium... he's a choreographer/instructor so his sessions have a lot of dance elements that keeps it mighty interesting while vigorous enough to be satisfying.
Treadmill - 20 mins, just to cap it off.
Distance 2.5 km, Speed 7 - 8, Incline level 1, Calories burned 170 kj.

No running

I havent been running for a couple of days now but theres still been endorphins galore heheh.

And of course its much more fun when theres 2.


For my main man, here's.......


La Camisa Negra (the black shirt)
by Juanes

Tengo la camisa negra
hoy mi amor esta de luto
Hoy tengo en el alma una pena
y es por culpa de tu embrujo

Hoy sé que tú ya no me quieres
y eso es lo que más me hiere
Que tengo la camisa negra
y una pena que me duele

Mal parece que solo me quedé
y fue pura todita tu mentira
Que maldita mala suerte la mía
que aquel día te encontré

Por beber del veneno malevo de tu amor
yo quedé moribundo y lleno de dolor
Respiré de ese humo amargo de tu adiós
y desde que tú te fuiste yo solo tengo

Tengo la camisa negra
porque negra tengo el alma
Yo por ti perdí la calma
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama

Cama cama come on baby
te digo con disimulo
Que tengo la camisa negra
y debajo tengo el difunto

Pa enterrartelo cuando quieras mamita
Asi como lo oye hija

Tengo la camisa negra
ya tu amor no me interesa
Lo que ayer me supo a gloria
hoy me sabe a pura...

Miércoles por la tarde y tú que no llegas
ni siquiera muestras señas
Y yo con la camisa negra
y tus maletas en la puerta

Mal parece que solo me quedé
y fue pura todita tu mentira
Que maldita mala suerte la mía
que aquel día te encontré

Por beber del veneno malevo de tu amor
yo quedé moribundo y lleno de dolor
Respiré de ese humo amargo de tu adiós
y desde que tú te fuiste yo solo tengo...

Tengo la camisa negra
porque negra tengo el alma
Yo por ti perdí la calma
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama

Cama cama come on baby
te digo con disimulo
Que tengo la camisa negra
y debajo tengo el difunto

Tengo la camisa negra
porque negra tengo el alma
Yo por ti perdí la calma
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama

Cama cama come on baby
te digo con disimulo
Que tengo la camisa negra
y debajo tengo el difunto

Heheh.... juanes is actually scorning at a lost love but the beat's extremely catchy & alive - exactly how i feel when i'm with you :)

My dahleeng's coming home

OOoohhh i'm so so excited. i just love it when the hubby pulls a stunt like this lol

Kata balik next week but what does he do? arranges to arrive in KLIA saturday morning. yup, saturday as in tomorrow!!!!!!! gawd i'm so excited i've turned hyper lol sure malam nanti tak tidoq punyer.... looks like i'll be doing reruns till morning heheh.

I actually had lots planned this weekend. just so happen there were events that overlapped so i was in the position to choose whatever i felt like doing. i could either attend my secondary school AGM back in kuantan with my '78 batch gathering thrown in for good measure OR have a leisure drive down to mentakab, spend the nite and attend a meeting for that primary school reunion scheduled in april.

Hah, but what can i say?!!! the man's coming home *HUGE GRIN*

Surprises all around

Mak's been feeling really down since she heard about her best friend's relapse. aunty M has cancer and been in remision for 4-5 years now but mak said she's been complaining a lot about her health lately and that surely isnt good. 2 days ago we heard she'd been warded in HUKM for serious water retention (or something... me never too sure about these things) and her belly's swollen fit to rival a 7 month pregnant lady.

I know everytime mak hears about her friends coming down with something or other, she gets pretty damn worried. theres nothing that reminds us more of our own mortality then news concerning illness or death. growing old is lonely business... even surrounded by loved ones you know when you leave this earth you leave alone.

Just to ease her mind a bit i took some time off from work to visit aunty M at HUKM. lucky for us we managed to arrive there in record time because surprisingly there wasnt much traffic at the MRRI... rezeki orang tua kot. mak insists that we stick to the alotted visiting hours so i was a little stressed out in case the traffic decided not to cooperate as usual but the worry was needless, thank god. we got in and out like a breeze.

Aunty M's cheery mood lifted mak's own somewhat. but when we got back home she just found herself another thing to worry her pretty little grey head about - the now randy & oft missing kitties!!! i'm sure its mating season coz the furry ones are almost never home and this causes mak's most fertile imagination to kick in... chewie kena kidnap lah, nico kena langgar lah, the kitties are dying of hunger lah etc etc. sheeesh... they're probly having the time of their life instead lol.

Me & AH, we ended up having dinner at tesco's food court, just the two of us. see, it was also AI's day out with his gang - they were spending the day at berjaya time square, probably trying to scare themselves silly with the roller coaster but not succeeding because its too tame a ride for that. anyway, i just couldnt shake the idea of breaking fast with a bowl of cool, sweet, colourful ABC and since mak didnt want to give up her vigil of the missing kitties no matter what we said, that left just the two of us. and boy, it was the best ABC & sizzling yee mee i've had in a long while (osso sbb lapar gilerz i suppose lol).

After solat at the quite roomy prayer room provided by tesco, we went browsing for interesting japanese drama or anime (shucks... forget about the interesting part lol so long as the hero had the looks to weaken our knees). we osso got mak her fav shortbread/butter cookies in the hope of bringing a smile to her 'worried' face. somehow, we timed it in such a way that we were still out when it was time to pick AI up at the commuter station. heh, he had his fun & so did we, so i guess all in all it was a damn good day.


Workout Log
Aerobics - 15 mins - after which i gave up coz the instructor of the day sucked big time!
Treadmill - time 20 mins, distance 2.6km, speed 8-9, calories 175 kj - baru puaass.


**Caspian Newsflash**

WOOOO HOOOOOO..... The hubs is coming home earlier than expected. ETA KLIA saturday morning :)

Force majeure?

Is it wednesday already? well, whadaya know.

Life just takes over sometimes and before you know it, it feels like you've 'lost' certain days. last week was sort of a blur. after meeting up with my semsas mates, i had to settle a couple of things concerning AF & AH... and of course there was also 'the flood'.

AH had to attend a prefects motivational weekend in sg congkak so we were quite busy getting her stuff together. you know usual things like xtra track bottoms, shoes, sleeping bag what have yous. i then dropped her off at her school around 6.30 am saturday... the instructions were quite specific (gelap gelemat lagi) but it was after 7.25am when they actually left the school compound. well, the usual something or other... this time one out of the 3 buses was late. and for my own peace of mind, of course i waited until i saw the last of her even if my butt was turning into stone perched on the wee curb lol. then came hal ehwal si AF pulak. as usual he needed help getting his stuff together... being home 1 whole week gave him ample time to be losing things like keys, books, cds, spare batteries, osso my thumb drive. he's ETD was 9.30 am same morning as AH but at least i just had to drop him of at the triton bus terminal, seksyen 16, shah alam, instead of the customary jln duta.

After that there was just AI & me... along with mak, chewie and nico of course, but apart from the usual morning flurry (like gardening & chores for mak n ngejor the neighbourhood feline for nico & chewie) they hardly do anything but snooze all day anyway lol. we had big plans my manja boy and me - nak lepak kat suria klcc la... midvalley laa... nak nenguk long khon laa (my idea but AI ngelat, penakutz heheh), nak makan kat victoria station la (AIs idea but my turn to ngelat - as a mom, tak boleh telan knowing the rest yang takde would osso enjoy bangat).

In the end we spent the remainder of that saturday at shah alam mall leaving bigger things for sunday. who would have guessed that shah alam would be ravaged by that super duper ribut with the subsequent floods the following morning?!!? i had already spent a sleepness nite worrying over AH, all alone (w/out me that is) out there in some dark godforsaken corner in sg congkak, and of cause everything intensified once that storm hit around 3 am. and it just poured and poured and poured w/out letting up a single bit till about 5.30 am. i still didnt know about the flooding in TTDIJaya, the nearby stadium area nor the highway till after my morning run (god it was extremely cool and envirogating) and was just about to start my marketing when i received that phone call from a friend. the water at TTDIJaya had apparently reached hip level leaving them no choice but to retreat to the 1st floor. all their cars were also flooded and needless to say there wasnt even time to rescue the electrical goods, furniture, etc either.

My niece has 4 small kids and didnt have much in the way of food (stoves and gas cylinders were all afloating by that time) except maggi , biscuits and bread. sad thing was, friends and family didnt have any access because the flooding had caused massive jams all around. it was pass 5 pm before any help could be extended and even then it was done on foot... no vehicles would dare venture into the sludge & mud as yet. all in all, the places where the flood hit was like a warzone. even today some of the residents are still cleaning up... my colleague who lives there is still on leave.

Is this really force majeure or is there someone, anyone to blame for this ?!! it certainly isnt the first time.

p.s. AI my darling... lain kali k :)


Workout Log
Sunday 26/02/06
- 1 lap plus= 4km= 30 mins

Tuesday 28/02/06
- Aerobics session = 60 mins
- Treadmill right after = 20 mins, dist 2.8km, speed 9, calories 180 kj.

Aerobics after work

I do hope its not going to be another one of those 'now you see it, now you dont' cases. the state govt has come up with quite a good number of programmes for the civil servant but most times they just die an unnatural death.

Anything to do with promoting good health and increasing one's fitness level should be welcomed and encouraged but sadly, today's only the 2nd day of the programme (the 1st was on tuesday) and the turn out still leaves a lot to be desired. well helloooo... its convenient (right slap bang in the middle of the workplace) and its free !! *sigh* i guess one waits until one sees signs of sickness before wanting to do something about it.

Anyway, even if it wasnt as vigorous as pounding out the usual 3km i did manage to sweat it out quite a bit. except that the choice of music could have been better though.

Well it was a mad mad rush after that. see, i had a teh tarik session lined up at 8 pm with my semsas mates but i had earlier promised AF, who was also fasting along with me, domino's pizza for berbuka. what was that new pizza again... mmm, beefy nacho crunch or something?! neeways, first i had AH to pick up from school and turns up her good friend amy wanted a ride home so before i could settle the pizza thing, i had to drop off amy first. pegi balik pegi balik, we were still at domino's when the azan sounded so there i was dashing about like a madwoman (hmmm... already a crazy ole coot as it is lol).

Just as i completed my solat it started pouring pulak.... no not the usual cats & dogs variety mind you but the tigers & elephants kind lol all in all i reached the teh tarik rendezvous point almost an hour late... and there wasnt even a hint of rain there !!!! ahh but it was all worth it bcoz meeting up with old friends just feels sooooooooo good doesnt it :)


** Workout Log**

Aerobics session - 45 t0 60 mins - incldg warming up & cooling down

To go or not to go

Hmmmm i'm giving the 1st ever mass aerobic session of the state govt a skip. better let them iron out all the 'virgin' glitches so as not to be disappointed and waste time as well. so, its the gym for me then.


** Pounding Log**

Time: 35 mins
Distance: 4.7km
Speed: average 9 km/hr
Incline: 1-2
Calories burned: 300 kj

Hanging out

I've been a little too self-absorbed lately and enough is enough.... time to move on bcoz the clock's ticking and for people heading for the 'penghujung jalan' like me, time's precious and not to be wasted.

AF's home for a week and mighty happy for the opportunity to be in the company of his GF. AI's actually going wanko with so much free time on his hands. He turns all hyper when i'm home and i kinda wondered what was going on. we had a good laugh when he told me... "La ma tak tau ke?!? your coming home is the 'highlight' of my day la maa!!!" heheheh.... tu laaaaaa, ma suruh keje, malasssssssssssss. kan dah sangap tahap maut :) now AH.... she seems to keep herself pretty occcupied bullying her bros and getting bullied right back so theres no question of wasting any time there i dont think lol.

Spent the whole sunday afternoon out in sunway piramid watching the kids falling all over themselves at the ice rink. hehehe.... now that was fun.... lebih banyak slipping & sliding then skating but i dont think i'd have done any better. there was quite a crowd there and the heavy traffic melted much of the ice causing a lot of water to be present. macam banjir pulak and instead of getting cold from the ice you get cold from getting all wet. sheeesh.. probably inline skating would be better, or at least drier lol. aie was happy no matter what the condition bcoz his gf came with us, AH was also happy bcoz she wasnt the only girl to be picked on by her bros, i was happy to have the whole mall at my disposal if i so chose to explore (i read my book instead lol) but poor poor AI was the only one a little miserable with his lot - there he was out on the skating rink and he just couldnt get the hang of it. relek ah kiddo... probably will learn faster if you fall around a bit :)

Been feeling fat & extremely bloated the whole week. just hate the feeling... almost didnt run at all which certainly didnt help in making me feel any better.


**Running Update**

thurs 16/02/06 - 3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins

sat 18/02/06 - 1 lap plus= 3.8km plus= 30 mins

Weekly tally= 6.8km [weh... menyedihkan!!]


**Caspian Newsflash**

My 'jenguk dapur pun tidak' cek abe is now a cook - with a couple of pretty nifty dishes under his belt.... woo hooooo!!!! osso for lack of opportunity to play golf, has now mastered pool as well. way to go yang :)

Salvaged from the rubble

I tell my kids if you start off looking for good, insyallah you'll find it even in a pile of dung.... i mean it is after all a good choice of baja kan heheh!!!

So whatever had happened to me in the past, i have most certainly been blessed. if nothing else, i have become more open-minded & less judgemental of fellow humans. i find myself accepting people as they are because we are all in our own ways trying our best to manage... and we are all in our own ways trying to make sense of it all. masing2 dengan cara masing2. i try my best not to lose sight of the 'big picture' and i try my best to avoid nit-picking... tak kemane jadi nye nanti bcoz after all, apart from the Creator, nothing is perfect. buat yang terbaik and let go... tawakal. jangan la nak jadi control freak because after all banyak mana sangat la things in life that is actually within our control pun kan?!!

And here's a couple of things that i find myself reminding the kids often:

1. Kalau tak makan cili jgn gatal2 nak rasa pedas.
Carrying guilt around is a heavy burden especially when its unnecessary. i know coz i've been doing it for so many years and being constantly defensive is no fun either. so i tell my kids... jangan nak ngada2 merajuk la, defensive la kalau theres no cause for it. for example, when a parent has more than 1 kid, or when a teacher addresses a whole classroom full of students... dia akan marah2 and tegur secara pukal whatever wrongdoings or misdeeds yg dah berlaku. sooo memang la kita kena ambik berat segala teguran & nasihat tapi jangan la terasa pulak kalau bukan kita yang buat.... nak react buat apa kan after all we didnt do nothin' so biar yang bersalah tu jer la berperasaan. kita tak payah susah2 nak feeling tak menentu, buang masa jer and all that negative vibes akan makan dalam if you let it. again, kalau tak buat jangan nak terasa, just ambik perhatian jer.

2. Dont go out there expecting dogs to meow and cats to bark.
Of course dogs will bark and cats will meow... to expect otherwise would be setting yourself up for disappointment. unless god decides to grant you a miracle or... anjing tu gi sekolah meow pulakz heheh. and if such a thing were to happen then consider it a bonus. otherwise, jangan expect unrealistic things from people. say, kalau baru main2 cinta kat sekolah and the guy acts like a bozo jgn la pulak act surprise, were you really expecting commitment & maturity from a guy that age (sheesh)?!? or if you're dealing with your MIL and you kutuk2 her son takde kesian punye, you think she's going to take that lying down?! puhleeze la... have some basic sense of what/who we're dealing with.

3. You've really gotta make your own sunshine.
Life will dish out all sorts of things good & bad but its not about what happens to you, but how you react to it. For that, one has to be strong and to be strong one has to know oneself. in this teeming mass of humanity, its so easy to lose our sense of self... who we are and what we are. so like our beloved prophet recommends, constantly muhasabah diri, that way we are always in touch with ourselves. we'll come to realise our own strengths and weaknesses, be able to work our way around it and eventually capitalise on whats best. that way no matter what happens, we'll find the strength to carry on. and dont go blaming others if we're not happy, that decision is ours to make. kalau GF moody jangan la pulak kita yang lelebih lol.... get a grip ;)

4. Stand firm but hiasi diri dengan ehsan.
Whether we like it or not, we do live a life of interdependence. the decisions we make, the actions we take somehow affect others be it in small ways or big. so nak tak nak we're part of a big whole and we have to respect that. so berhati2 melalui liku2 kehidupan. jangan terlalu keras sampai menganiaya org lain tapi jgn pulak terlalu lembek sampai di pijak2. its best to remain firm in your convictions but always do it with ehsan. theres so many ways to deal with a situation. for example, if someone's done something wrong and needs reprimanding, just say what you have to and leave it at that... no need la to dredge up the poor guys dirty linen and air it in public. or when you're rejecting somebody, you can say no and be a bitch or you can say no and still let the guy down with pride intact. dont go around dropping people's water face maaaaa..... coz what goes round does come around. ehsan - there can never be enough of it.

5. Have faith, always sangka baik and jangan mudah prasangka.
Believe in a merciful and benevolent god, set your default at seeing the good in things and dont harbour a suspicious nature. it'll be easier on you in the long run. i'm not saying be a push-over, weh berwaspada tetap berwaspada tapi apa salahnye bersangka baik. but its so easy to mistake malu for sombong, selamba for uncaring etc etc. give people the benefit of doubt and while you're at it, cut some slack will ya... leave some room for mistakes, especially by loved ones because it is after all an integral part of learning. osso, berprasangka ni tak ada faedah nyer. suspicious people are never at peace and more often than not, become either a ketankerous sourpuss that everybody avoids or a pathetic neurotic who's fearful of his own shadow. insyallah, if its goodness that you seek its goodness that you'll find.

Yup kiddos, its the same old same old.... but you'll be mighty surprised to find that it's gonna stay relevant for quite awhile lol!!!


** Updated Log**

Thurs 09/02/06 - 3 mini laps= 3 km= 18 mins

Sat 11/02/06 - 1 complete lap= 3.8 km= 30 mins

Sun 12/02/06 - 4 mini laps= 4 km= 30 mins

Weekly tally= 16.8 km

A can of worms

I'm filled with a certain disquiet lately.... a restlessness & unease of heart and soul.

Recent events have brought me face to face with a past that have long been buried; as deep as the bowels of the earth but now i'm beginning to wonder if it might not have been deep enough.

My childhood was never a normal one by any standards. i was raised by parents both too young and too wrapped up within themselves & each other to ever consider the lonely plight, let alone the needs, of an only child.

Both needy, both egoistic, both stuck in a love/hate relationship that didnt make any sense whatsoever to a young child. and even the constant presence of my grandma, hovering in the background didnt do much to lessen the confusion. there were the endless scenes and tantrums thrown by my mother, the fights and quarrels that frequently ended with father grovelling at her feet, the constant manipulations, the occasional deceit and no matter what anyone did, that prevading sense of dissatisfaction and displeasure was always there.

I have major memory lapses of those years i'd spent growing up in Kem Bt 5... and they were actually welcomed gaps because that period of time had the greatest impact on me and left me saddled with serious issues. at 8, you are at your most vulnerable and most impressionable. of course you will eventuallty find the strength to rise beyond all the blows that is dealt out to you but, in the meantime, you just try to hang on the best way you know how.

For me it was blocking out. for me it was staying just out of conflict's reach. for me it was to cater to everyone's need but my own. for me it was to be pleasantly obedient. and for me it was always, always, to absorb everybody's gulit and accept the fault as mine whatever it may be. my mother wanted out but she had to stay because of me; my father loved my mother more than life itself but dealing with her rejection day in day out must have eaten at him; and grandma completed the triangle by constantly switching sides and adding fuel to the fire.... and in the madhouse that was my home, where everyone was acting so crazily, it was left to me to look out for everyone.

So i never really had the chance to be young or feel young since i felt totally responsible for everyone and everything. yes because of me, everyone was stuck in that vicious cycle with no way out until it was too late and the damage to everyone was already too great to be salvaged. because of my faith, i had to be thankful for my existence but that didnt stop me from feeling completely unworthy and guilty, always guilty. didnt help at all that i understood what everyone was going through: my mother didnt know any better because she was just 16 when she got hitched, my father loved her too much to be effective as a leader and husband, and grandma's crime was to have idolised mother till she felt she could do no wrong. i was the outsider, the loner and life was filled with uncertainty.

With nowhere to lay the blame and conditioned to place others before self, i was in my own way living a life of quiet desperation. nobody really realised that below the placid waters was a turbulence that was sometimes totally out of my control. for a long while i had to deal with extremely low self-esteem culminating in self sabotage & bullimic tendencies. but great is the Almighty for i am mostly at peace with myself now.

Out of the blue, life has presented me with this opportunity to put my past to rest, to really help me let go perhaps? friends from that period of my life have somehow returned and are now suddenly a big part of my life. i smile when i hear them reminiscing about the good old days because my own recollection are mostly blurry; the sweet is always laced with the pain. when most of them were jumping about in blissfull ignorance i was already manuervering my way around half-crazed adults trying my best to hang on to my sanity. nothing was to be taken for granted; one minute they were drowning me with love, the next, burying me in censure.

There are plans for a big reunion back in my old primary school and of course i look forward to meeting up with everyone but i'm also fearful that the worms would devour me. reliving every bend and turn of my old life and being back there where it all happened might just unlock every damn memory, both good & bad. i dunno... i do hope i have really become strong enough.

Cruising

**Running Log**

3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins

Pounding away

Brain's too scrambled to write anything useful.

**Running Log**

3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins..... just taking it easy in the mornings.

Weekly tally= 15.8 km

Just existing

**Running Log**

3 mini laps= 3km= 20 mins

Paperwork oh paperwork

After the long break....... timbunan upon timbunan. need i say more?!!

Lepakz 3

Was feeling a little restless so i went out on my own (kiddos sibuk main puter games) just to check out the latest offerings at the nearby malls. i did the shah alam triangle i.e. pkns complex, alam central & sacc (sacc is still the better place to just meander about aimlessly) and ended up with 4 blouses (one a little on the itsy bitsy side but what the heck), a silver bracelet (the last one putus on me yet again, lasak person that i am), some make-up basics to replenish my poor poor excuse of a beauty bag, a plasticbagful of rotiboys and my head full of gift ideas for old friends.

Well shopping aint so bad after all when you're not telling yourself "you must get something"!!!!

**Running Log**

1 lap= 3.8km= 25 mins

Lepakz 2

Since AH's so much better we all celebrated by going out for the movies at 1 utama. buli balik... heh, we were damn lucky to arrive there just when they opened a special counter for the tickets and within 10 minutes were already seated at one of the cinema halls. rezeki budak sakit :)

It was hilarious at some parts.... you know la when the fat guy starts with his antics hehehe, but osso quite thought provoking in its own little way. except that most of us wasnt really expecting the ending. we waited till the very very end because we still thought there was a catch somewhere but nothing..... the fat guy really died at the end of it. probably part 3 opens up with him being resuscitated (spelling?) or something, dunno.

And of course we then spent hours reading, rack-shopping and at last just buying 2 books at MPH. hummph... tak lah besar mana. i expected it to be enormous somehow, the kids were going about it being the biggest outlet la yada yada yada. i still prefer kinokuniya i think. and last stop... the king of burger la where else. yummy, the double mushroom is to die for (ok laaa probably exaggerating a bit laa, not die but pengsan can laa heheh). the boyz had the greek lamb something or other.

A peachy day.


** Running log**

5 mini laps= 5 km= 35 mins