September already?!

Aduh..... as you get older time not only flies but seem to move faster than the speed of light!!!! Its september and by mid-month i'll be hitting 44 (klu ikut kalendar islam lagi awal). alahai, its that time already and with each passing year i see my life blood leaking out slowly. that much closer to the end but i've yet to feel i've done anything significant. my must do list before the big sayonara pun has hardly been touched.

My main enemy is by far procrastination. not to mention lack of self discipline. and focus. oh i have loads of willpower once i make up my mind but its back to procrastination. not to mention lack of self discipline. and focus.

Vicious cycle.

Mak once said, i'm like the katak bawah tempurung. tau kehidupan dia je... asyik2 laki kau anak2 kau. sometimes i dont even notice the newly mowed lawn, or the freshly cut flowers. well, it does have a ring of truth (a loud ring in fact lol) but she of all people should know better how i got to be that way.. but lets not pass the blame backwards up until tok adam and tok hawa. up to a point we're all responsible for what we are, what we have become.

Neeways at any point in time, we can only be who we are be it katak bawah tempurung ke apa ke but that doesnt mean that i'm not trying hard to raise myself to a higher level, berhijrah ke 'destinasi' yang lebih baik. walaupun the increments tu hardly discernable but its there, i can feel it. i sure wish it can be giant leaps tapi kita tetap hanya mencuba, yang menentukan DIA. rahmat MU ku pohon jua.

I admit my scope for personal 'involvement' is rather limited. I cant seem to handle close interactions in large groups of people. I work hard at keeping my loved ones together & cared for but after that i only have enough of me left for a select group of friends and family. i wish i was more of an extrovert but apart from talking about the weather, my tired mind just deserts me lol. people who dont know me would probably say 'dia tu sombong'. its not that i dont care but i'm just not good at socializing. sorry mak, nak buat camane, walaupun i would love to reach out unfortunately jiwa ni tak cukup besar.

Now that doesnt mean i'm not open. from a very young age i'd had to maneuvre my way around adult situations fraught with undercurrents. in that world, you had to be able to read between the lines because what was being said never reflected what was being meant. awareness and maturity came to me early and so did intuition. but with it also came the 'glass wall'. i had to put it up as protection. with the eventual break up of my parents marriage, their subsequent remariages (babah remarried once and mak twice), my soul would have disintegrated into a million pieces otherwise. so i probably have the 'glass wall' to thank for but its probably also the reason why i was and still am to a certain extent a loner.

Eh, painful reflections and it's not even my birthday yet lol

Yes, i must be getting really old ;)