Age

Aduh..... tulang temulang ku!!!!

Take away my regular activities and i'm suddenly left with aching & creaking joints!!! alahai tau la dah tua (four-oh-seven is just round the corner.. gulp) tapi i feel soooooooooo very very the ancient!!! i agree with the fitness gurus that a break of more than 2 weeks is enough to set your fitness level waaaay back. take a long rest and suffer the dire consequences baay-beh!!!

I know it sounds like i'm spewing lame excuses but i'm just not in the right frame of mind to claim my usual 'me' time right now.... not until AH's room is ready. i promised her a room by 2008 and its kinda overdue. but to get her room ready i hafta move the boys accumulated stuff out (since its their room that she's moving into).. and to get the stuff out i hafta get the den downstairs ready first.. and to start on the den i hafta move everything that's in it upstairs to the 'still-under-construction-library'. which all in all means quite a major make-over. and sadly yours truly have been guilty of procrastinating because truth be told, its all a tad overwhelming.

Aarghh... belum apa2 dah penat weh!!!!

But at least AH seems very motivated about school. she's in the class she wanted and hasnt been complaining even tho there's loads of homework already!! which makes me very happy but also very guilty about not keeping my side of the bargain.

Aaarghhh.... sorry baby!!!!

And also a note to the boys, especially AI..... thank you so so much darleengs for giving up ur little haven. i do know how much it means to you and the sacrifice is very very appreciated... tapi its all for adik's sanity ok.

So now its up to me.

I can do it... i can do it... i can do it!!! :)

All 'my precious'

i was spring cleaning my puter and came up with this old pics of my most precious :)

kawaaiii!!!

1997







(Melbourne/Canberra/Sydney Trip)



... and after 10 years still sooooo kawaaiiii ;)

2007



(Eidul Fitri, Shah Alam)

Big trouble

Yup..... i'm on a downward spiral at a time when i should be all fired up with new year resolutions!!

Ever since i can remember, i'd be totally consumed by this deep ferocious hunger one week before my monthly. its like i'm driven to keep stuffing my face... and can escalate to a point where i can even imagine myself devouring a whole freakin' lamb roasting away at the pits. me and me alone, no sharing sharing business lol.

And the saddest part is, its also the time i am at my most bloated self - kembong giler - and that feeling pisses me off to no end. and when i'm pissed, i do the next worst thing.... i binge.... and if thats not bad enough.... i binge at nite!!!!!!

Adeh.

And right now with only one car at our disposal (AF had already cilok-ed the avanza to upsi and we're still in the midst of arranging the financing for another car), i have to give up my morning runs because of the mad rush in dropping AH off to school and sending her daddy to the nearest LRT station at kelana jaya, before making for the office myself.

Sigh.

I feel sooooooo FAT & BLOATED..... a whale!!!!

HELP!!

Tak bole jadi...... even if the heat saps away at my energy like a siphon, i hafta start running in the late afternoon. its that or i'll just go stark raving mad. i need muh regular 'fix'.

School term 2008

1st day of school = massive jam !!!!

I remember those days when the kids first started school and i was part of the proud mommies & daddies anxiously waiting for their offsprings to be placed and settled into their respective classes. i remember scanning classrooms and fighting the strong almost 'primitive' urge to grab them the best seat in class, even if it was already taken lol. i remember..... weelll..... a lot of things :)

You just cant help but be anxious and worried and harassed and.... almost entirely lost in your own world!!! and with that in mind i always have this soft spot for those 'primary one' parents who'll usually be sporting either the 'hyper-focus' look or the 'ultra-dazed' look on their faces. and thats why i bear the grid-lock of cars with a smile.... hardly discernable but a smile nontheless.

AH was in high spirits when she was getting ready for school this morning. maklum la lama sangat berkepok kat rumah pun boleh jadi boring jugak akhirnya. plus the fact that she did well in her pmr and my gabra little girl can now walk tall lol... oh and also plus the other fact that she'll be seeing her bf every schoolday instead of going out on spasmodic dates, which can be few and far between (heh kecik lagi mana boleh dating selalu la anak weh!!!).

Her greatest worry was not getting a spot in the pure science classes but there was also the added pressure of having both bros in science 1 class before her. alhamdulillah she got what she wanted and is now officially in form 4 science 1, smk seksyen 9, shah alam. heheh and pls dont mention anything about boarding schools or hostels and such.... she'd give you a look that could kill you instantly or at the very least leave you mortally wounded lol. she's happy where she is and actually, so am i :) i wouldnt stand in her way if she wanted to continue elsewhere, but what on earth would i do without our regular pok-pek sessions?

So thats that. now comes the time to start selecting good tuition classes but the ground work is up to AH of course. top on the list - BM!!!!! its a tough paper and should never ever be taken for granted especially because its also the basic requirement for all local college entries. the standard has been raised so high that i'd probably fail if i were to sit for that paper again lol

Necessary adjustments

Dengan bertambahnya umur bertambah laa juga masa yang diperlukan untuk menerima & menangani perubahan heheh. for example i cant begin to count just how many times i've automatically written down 2007 whenever i'm minuting out the letters from my in-tray!!

And i've also only now realised i've completely forgotten about getting the 2008 diary infill. i cant schedule out my week because i've run out of pages lol. next stop is surely the bookstore.

So looks like i started the new year with a price negotiation meeting for another istana project. which incidentally turned out to be rather unsuccessful due to the main contractor's failure to furnish us with the necessary info and justifications for his incredibly high offer. hopefully its not an indication of what 2008 would be bringing in. i would so love to cruise thru the year smoothly with as little hiccup as possible :)

Dont we all?

Happy New Year

2008... semoga dilimpahi nikmat & rahmatNYA

Berakhirnya penantian

Soooo..... the results of all 3 kiddoes are out.. finally!!

First on the list was AI and his near miss of 0.03 points to another DL. then came AF with a grade point of 3.4 something or other making it that much tougher for him to realise his target of getting a 1st class upper. and last but not least is of course AH with her still hot-from-the-oven pmr results. all her moaning & groaning the past week didnt really auger well but she pulled it off somehow and came up with straight As... yay.

Congrats babe.... 8 As!! you must've done something right even if you thought you didnt :) and of course babah will stand by his promise of a spanking new laptop for you hehehe.

I would've loved to have gone with AH to pick up her results but seeing for myself how cuak & gabra she was about the whole thing (the nite prior to the release of the results, she slept around 4am) i thought that maybe it was better for her to continue with her plans of going to school with her bf & friends; that maybe being in the midst of her peers was what she really needed.

According to AH they were all gathered in the school hall and had to wait for quite a bit because the overall results were only released after the straight A candidates were announced - all 70 of them. not at all confident with herself she was totally shocked when her name was called out... and from that point onwards everything was a blur. nak hantar sms kat kitorang pun terlupa!! in fact seems that while she was walking about in a daze, her bf was the one who was thoroughly excited about it all!!! hehehe... thats mek esoh for ya :)

I'm glad my girl's happy.... sigh... she's blossoming right before our very eyes :)

In the company

.... of turkmen but this time its just for about a week, i hope.

Just when i was getting used to having a man about the house again!! doesnt help that i'm also 'violently' pmsing :(

Gawd i miss u.

Kerja giler

....... agak laaaa. i'm thinking only demented minds would conspire to arrange up to 15 negotiations in a single day (2 of which is mine)!!!

Apa la salahnya spread it out in say 2 days or 3 for that matter? it'll be easier on the pengerusi and surely much fairer to the contractors. bayangkan the pengerusi's state of mind after passing the 10th negotiation? for all we know he might be seeing RED je lepas tu. gawd, i absolutely dont wanna be in the next contractor's shoes. memang kes naya!!!

But then again, i'm just the macai. what do i know?

Sigh... still waiting for my turn.

Weeding

Life's path is never smooth.... paling skit pun penuh dengan weeds, semak n lalang.

AI called me while i was out doing the groceries and in a rather dramatic tone of voice mumbled out something. i sensed it was something important but, because mama dia semenjak dua menjak ni dah agak pekak, for the life of me i couldnt quite make out what he was trying to tell me.

"Ma, i'm going to *mumble mumble......*".

And i went "Haa?"

"I'm going to *mumble mumble...* ma!!" he repeated.

And this time i went "Apaa?"

"Ish..... mama!!!!!!", and i heard him sighing looooong & haaaaaaard.

"What?", i was still without a clue.

"Potong stim betul la mama ni. ijat kata ijat nak kill myself la mama!!"

This time i heard him loud and clear and was shocked.... but just for a minute because i also heard a thread of laughter in his voice. laaaa apasal lak sampai nak bunuh2 diri ni? bebudak skarang memang senang2 je cakap pasal benda2 macam tu (some are even driven enough into actually doing it and over such trivial matters). my brains immediately went into hyperdrive.. takkan pasal gf plak kot ish ish!!!

Turns out he was EXTREMELY frustrated with last semester's results (released online); seems that he missed the deans list by 0.03 points altho his cgpa was still above 3.5. takpe la sayang mama, if you've tried your best then its just out of your hands. ada la hikmahnya tu.... maybe after 2 consecutive DL's, its Gods way of keeping you humble kot ;)

Apapun dont give up.

Owh and i do hope AF's week long rakan muda expedition out in teluk intan is going well. he tells me he's having the flu..... shessh budak tu pun satu, bukannya tau nak spread himself, mesti tak cukup rest la tu.

KIDS!!!!! a little bit overgrown perhaps but still kids heheh... muh babies -_-

Workout Log
4k/am/where else?!

Love interests

The kids are all grown and i guess they're all going thru that stage of needing a significant other in their lives. its only natural to want to love and be loved in return i guess and i really hope they'll be fortunate enough to find someone worthy of that love.... like i have.

But its not that easy nor is it that simple... bcos even if you do find the love of your life, you then have to work hard at keeping it 'subur & mekar' and not taking anything for granted; something you're prone to do however careful you might be. it usually creeps up on you and before you know it you're both screaming at each other all the time. and i think theres no other way out of it except to stay thankful and keep reminding ourselves, "i truly am the lucky one!".

AF seems to have accepted the fact that its best to let things take its own course and that theres a big difference between being persistent and being pushy. girls hate being pushed into a corner, they really do and he's beginning to appreciate that. AI pulak is finally out of a relationship based on 'tak sampai hati' and is now actively pursuing someone he really likes (but who doesnt seem to be reciprocating). so hes being a little emo... sigh. right now, maybe AH's the only one in a 'happy relationship', until she gets into her 1st fight that is.

It's actually tough on mothers when they see their kids unhappy. bcos when they were younger, she could always try her best to get them what they wanted (within reason of course), be it a shiny new bike or the latest cd or another upgrade of the playstation family. but when they're all grown up and its all about eyeing that dream job or wanting that fantasy girl, then it becomes quite frustrating to be the one just looking by the sidelines and only able to offer sympathy & support. mana boleh pegi to someone and say, eh ambik la anak makcik ni... dia memang baik, tersangat rajin, teramat comel, etc etc hehehe. malu la diorang kan ;)

Doa mama semoga bertemu jodoh yang terbaik dan bahagia dunia akhirat!!

Workout Log
3k/am/tasik, 2k/pm/tasik

Shoe Laces

Just interesting alternatives...




















Workout Log
3.5k/am/tasik

Full house again

I guess nothing makes a mom happier than having all her loved ones around her :)

The last of the family 'wanderer' is back. AF's last paper was on the 23rd but he had to return to TM for rakan muda activities.... now he's back home again; which means its full house till the new semester; which means my cup runneth over yippee yay!! even tho Abe's in PERMATA slogging into his 3rd week of the INSEAD thingy at least he's only about an hour's drive away and not on the other side of the world!!

We're having an 'office warming' jamuan this morning (the horrendous period of renovation is finally over), and i must admit that lately i've been feeling a little outta things here at work. dunno... i guess it has a lot to do with the new management. to put it rather bluntly the new boss rubs me the wrong way. i just cant seem to stomach most of the stuff that shes been doing, and i am trying my best to just go with the flow like i always do. except this time its hard going....

Abe suddenly appeared at the doorstep last nite and between seeing him off and 'mencelor' 10 packs of mee kuning for the jamuan, i was late for work. and it also meant no running. gotta do something about it petang ni tho..... i sooo need to pound that pavement!!

Move that butt

I'm finally out pounding the pavement again.... aaah such bliss to be cooling off the rivulets of sweat!!!

Its been a while so there i was slowly chewing away at the distance (but when have i ever gobbled up the kms... not even on a good day hehehe). such a blessing to have opted for the 8.30-5.30 work hours. nothing beats running in the morning... oh, except for some equally satisfying bit of lovin' of course :)

God thank you for still letting me move this fat butt lol

Workout Log:
4km/am/tasik

Klang Parade

.. if it wasnt because of the fencing tourney i guess you could say i'd almost forgotten its very existence!!

Used to be whenever i couldnt get what i wanted at jusco bukit raja i would then make my way thru the backroads and continue at parkson klang parade. but that was quite some time ago. i dont think i can actually remember that little shortcut anymore lol. in fact when the kids and i went to check the place out yesterday we kinda took the wrong left turn (it should've been the one after the old shapadu toll) and found ourselves enroute to pelabuhan klang utara instead!! haha thats how long its been :)

Yeah its still as i remembered it..... a little 'gelap', a little rundown, but still thriving in its own way. its okey i guess, except for the life of me, i cant imagine why its been chosen as the venue for the junior/cadet fencing circuit. if the tournament is at national level wouldnt it be more appropriate to have it at some stadium or community hall instead of the main lobby of a shopping complex? the space is sooo restricted and not to mention being rather distracting to the fencers. even if it is in an effort to promote the sport but at a shopping mall, and one thats not even all that 'happening' to begin with?! dunno ya. if its all about the money, one then wonders where are the funds for such events? takkan takde kot since sports is such an important aspect of nation building.

Apa2pun lets hope the selangor contingent does well..... go selangor fencers ;)

Manipulation

Manipulation is not in itself a dirty word. if we're true to ourselves we'd admit to being guilty of being a little manipulative once in a while. but when you have a master manipulator in your own home, you can bet life can become quite unbearable sometimes. and when you feel you just cant take it anymore, the sad part is, you cant simply lash out... especially if it comes in the form of your own mother. i've been weathering emotional blackmail & manipulation all my life, i just pray God gives my children the strength to do the same.

Pls stop with the manipulating and just let us love you!?!! pls.


The Process of Victimization
For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:

A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.

The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.

All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." – But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas
Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles, has turned out to be the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem. Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with covertly aggressive tactics is essential.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics
Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional (psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over. Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of as defense mechanisms, as offensive power tactics, because aggressive personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen.

the principal tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial – This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong.

Selective Inattention – This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change.

Rationalization – A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of conscience he might have) but also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in whatever he's doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference.

Diversion – A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.

Early in the current school year, I found it necessary to address my son's irresponsibility about doing his homework by making a rule that he bring his books home every night. One time I asked: "Did you bring your books home today?" His response was: "Guess what, Dad. Instead of tomorrow, we're not going to have our test – until Friday." My question was simple and direct. His answer was deliberately evasive and diversionary. He knew that if he answered the question directly and honestly, he would have received a consequence for failing to bring his books home. By using diversion (and also offering a rationalization) he was already fighting with me to avoid that consequence. Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip.

Lying – It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators – covert-aggressive personalities that they are – are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying' omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.

Covert Intimidation – Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covert-aggressive's favourite weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics.

Guilt-tripping – One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.

Playing the Victim Role – This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress.

Vilifying the Victim – This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive.

Playing the Servant Role – Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. A good example comes to mind in the recent true story of a well-known tele-evangelist who locked himself up in a room in a purported display of "obedience" and "service" to God. He even portrayed himself' a willing sacrificial lamb who was prepared to be "taken by God" if he didn't do the Almighty's bidding and raise eight million dollars. He claimed he was a humble servant, merely heeding the Lord's will. He was really fighting to save his substantial material empire.

Another recent scandal involving a tele-evangelist resulted in his church's governance body censuring him for one year. But he told his congregation he couldn't stop his ministry because he had to be faithful to the Lord's will (God supposedly talked to him and told him not to quit). This minister was clearly being defiant of his church's established authority. Yet, he presented himself as a person being humbly submissive to the "highest" authority. One hallmark characteristic of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance.

Seduction – Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others. Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh seemed to have refined this tactic to an art.

Projecting the blame (blaming others) – Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways.

Minimization – This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.

I've presented the principal tactics that covert-aggressives use to manipulate and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally use them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if they're to avoid being taken in by them.

Down with flu

I was quite active last week..... managed to put in 19k with an 8k long run (for me considered as long la heheh) squeezed in and was hoping it was the start of better things to come. unfortunately my Abe ku saye, who just happen to loove sharing, generously gave me some of his virus and now i'm down with flu :(

How to lari with stuffed nose, sore throat, bleary eyes and aching joints?

And its actually quite a waste bcos he's safely deposited in PERMATA going thru part of a 4-week management course (INSEAD), which means i dont hafta squander precious minutes on the road dropping him off at the lrt station anymore, which means more than ample time to run in the mornings.

Just hafta get well sooooooon.

Owh... and would you believe AH's bf tagged along on a semi-family outing to sunway pyramid today. yup he did and considering how very very scared he was (and still is by the looks of him hikhik) of me and AI, it makes you wonder how far this is going.

hmmm.

Crossing the line

Guiding kids towards becoming responsible and compassionate adults can be a pretty heavy undertaking, especially zaman milineum ni.

We can only hope that whatever values we've tried to impart to them has reached its mark because without strength of character (even the shadow of one) navigating their way thru the labyrinths of life can be wrought with pain & heartache. yes we learn from our mistakes but making too many mistakes while we're still young can break instead of make a person. especially when they are surrounded by people who are too busy being judgemental to realise a guiding hand would usually be more effective... we lose so many windows of opportunity to turn a mistake or an incident into a learning experience that way.

Sunday AH went out on a group date. it was all above board and i was the one carting the kids around. drop-off at sunway pyramid was around 12 noon and pick-up was around 5.30 giving ample time for the kids to be safely home before maghrib. AH and me have always practised an open line of communication and she knows so long as she's straight with me i'd allow her certain liberties suitable for a teenager (and all within reason of course).

My mistake was assuming the other kids would be doing the same. rupanya during that excursion one of AH's friends was out with her bf without her parent's permission!!! and of course since i was the one sending them i was also supposed to know what was going on... yeah right!!! to me all i was providing was a safe passage for the children, the rest is up to the parents. all hell broke lose the next day when the young 'couple' was caught smooching in a female toilet somewhere near the girl's condo. one of the guards was alert enough to notice and to cut a long story short, the bf was dragged off to face an extremely pissed father & brother.

Suffice to say he'd been warned never to contact the girl again. ya la pun kan, making out in the toilet!!!!! if thats not the ultimate in being disturbingly sneaky and sleazy i dont know what is!! and because of this outrageous behaviour, the girl's mom tried grilling AH and me about the previous outing. wtf? its her own daughter she should be grilling, not us. yes, it sure is a sorry mess but sad to say, this sorta thing just dont happen overnite. maybe she just wasnt reading the signs right. dunno, but i certainly dont envy her position. its indeed a mom's worse nightmare. semoga diberi hidayah bersama.

There has to be a certain amount of trust but its so freaking disturbing when that line is crossed.

Spunky lady

Aunty miah is one spunky lady.... but today i was shocked to see her looking so frail & weak.

She'd been fighting cancer for the past 10 years and her spunk in handling the situation has been a source of inspiration to me. she never lets anything get her down... not the divorce, not raising the 2 girls on her own, not the big C, nothing. even when her remissions started getting shorter n shorter she was still optimistic and continued her chemos without fail. mak depended a lot on aunty miah's strength when she went thru her mastectomy. in fact i think mak's decision to continue with the surgery had a lot to do with her.

But i guess spirit alone isnt enough to fight off the ravaging rogue cells. she seemed pretty weak when we went visiting her at the makna ward this morning. sigh... i hope she pulls thru again. we have much need for courageous & inspiring people.

Workout Log
8k/am/tasik. it was a cool breezy morning and i just let rip... felt soooooo good :)

Big Day

Big day for my lil gal.... outing with bf (which includes trying to sneak into 30 days of nite rated 18) and her prefect's annual dinner all on the same day. recipe for sensory overload i would say :) but thankfully things seem to be under control.... we are after all talking about 'blur & blunt' AH here.

The boys are still in the thick of their exams. AI's last paper is on the 11th while AF's somewhere after the 20th. cant wait to have them all home :)

Finding balance

Life IS a balancing act..... and its mostly about finding the right equilibrium.

I've always been close with the kiddoes. and with the sort of medical history they've had, how could i not be? not for them the usual flu & fever. naaaaahh... add VSD/hypertension (AF), embolism/infarcts (AI), spinal tabs (AH) and the picture becomes that much clearer and more complete.

For them it also meant growing up in a rather protected and secure environment. i couldnt help but be a 'little' paranoid especially in matters concerning their health and even tho i liked the idea of having super independent kids, i wasnt all that eager to let go. to me they were like time-bombs just waiting to explode... anything could happen and if something were to go wrong, i didnt want them out of my sight.

As they got older and their health gradually stabilized, they naturally expected more freedom. and i knew then that it was time. time for them to test their wings and fly.... but THEY had to help ME slowly let them go; THEY had to help ME see for myself they were able to manage..... by building up the trust in their ability to cope and handle life.

So now comes the question of, how much to let go and how fast? ooh the boyz are doing just fine, after they turned 18 they pretty much get to do what they want (all within reason of course lol). its AH that i'm a little unsure of. the reason being she's only 15 and even if she looks her age, she's actually quite matured in her approach to life, relationships and people in general. she has surprised me a couple of times with her insight and intuition where her bf is concerned, and the amount of self-control that she's showing in dealing with meddling exes and disturbing 'friends' is something that puts her in a different category altogether. thing is, i still see glimpses of my naive & innocent little baby so it gets to be a little contradictory at times.

She's obviously more matured than her bros so..
do i treat this as a serious relationship or is it just 'summer love'?
do i let it take its own course or put a curb to the obviously escalating feelings?
do i allow them time together? group dates? outings? and if so how often?
.. these are among the few questions thats been playing thru my mind.

I know i'm dealing with teenagers and even though they seem ok, i'm the 'sane adult' here so i guess i hafta be the one to look out for that balance.... that is until they're both that much 'older' :)

Workout Log
4k/am/tasik

Trial run

Okaaaaaaaaaaay....... so its not going to be as simple as i thought it would be.

Since Abe came back from his caspian sea 'adventure', we've been trying to sort out the transport problem that has inevitably popped up and the mechanics of supply vs demand... i.e. 2 kereta vs 3 keperluan. in his father's absence AF has been enjoying full use of my avanza while i've been using abe's beemer. now that ze bozz is back he's supposed to hand over the car (a condition he's very well aware of) tapi sbb sekarang ni tengah exam week kitorang plak yang tak sampai hati nak tarik balik so ze bozz dengan bermurah hatinya telah sanggup untuk naik LRT to work and back... provided of course i send him off kat the nearest LRT station which in our case was in kelana jaya.

This meant leaving the house before 7am because we had to drop AH off to school first. and because any later than that would mean being stuck in an even horribler jam than the ones we were facing. zup zap zup zap... i usually could barely just make it to work (selalunya with only 2-3 mins to spare even with all my mad dashing). and all thoughts of resuming my morning runs had to be squashed before it can even manifest itself.

Now with the waktu anjal, berbunga la kembali hati yours truly untuk beraksi semula. semalam my backpack keperluan telah pun disiapkan dengan penuh semangatnya and placed most strategically beside the front door along with my briefcase (macam la nak terlupa hehe). after the usual dashing around i made it to the tasik parking lot 2-3 mins to 8 am and only then did i realise i didnt actually have a whole 30 mins to spare!!!! instead i only had at my disposal 15-20 mins because then i needed 10 mins at the very least to make it to the office in time!!!!!!!! laaaaa 15 mins je..... dapat la about 2-3 km depending on whether i skip warm up/cool down. sheeesh, lorat gak dibuat nya!!!

So until we resolve the transport issue, it'll still be an uphill battle for me to stick to my morning run. hmmmphhh... ape2 laaa.

Workout Log
2 km/am/tasik

Waktu anjal

Sheeesh..... i almost missed the 'waktu anjal' boat!!

A couple of months back when people in selangor were finally contemplating the relevance of implementing the flexi-time that all federal staff were already enjoying, i'd submitted my application for the 3rd option: WP3 8.30am - 5.30pm. then came the news they were going to postpone it indefinitely and everyone's hope of flexi mexi time was dashed. work went on as usual and all was forgotten but somehow, somewhere along the line, unbeknownst to me, the whole flexi thingy was on again and i missed resending my application!!! *&%$!!/# puhleeze make up ur mind people... and when u finally do, let me in on it too will ya!!!

I really really hafta go for it - with mak not as active as she used to be n house chores stacked high against me - 30 mins sure could make a hell of a lot of difference!!! and if i got all the chores done early, i could even go on my runs every single day and with a lot more time to spare yee-haaa.

So first thing i did was to go see the EO and tried to explain my predicament as best i could (of course she doesnt hafta to know about the running heheh..... after all i'm already up at 4.30am to make sure everythings settled on the homefront) and as luck would have it she agreed!!

Finally some breathing space :)

Sesak

Ketat dada.... thats what happens when i dont get to open up my lungs by huffing n puffing away out on the pavement.

And neither is the thoughtless popping of cookies or mindless crunching of readily available krepek helping me in any way..... sheesh.

So nak tak nak yours truly gagahkan juga keluar into the late afternoon heat to slowly jog round the neighbourhood (dogs be dammed). i've always avoided running in the late afternoon (the heat saps away at my energy in an instant) and it was certainly hard going at first (maklum la kan the last time abe and i managed to venture out was probably 4-5 days after raya when shah alam streets were still vacant and it was a great pleasure to run)..... but after a while i slowly eased into my regular rhythm and all was well again :)

Its been 2 consecutive days now. did about 3km yesterday and about 2km today. like i said, all is well and life is starting to look pretty good again. now all i need is to keep it going.

Workout Log
29/10/07 - 3km/pm/seksyen 9 (outer route)
30/10/07 - 2km/pm/seksyen 9 (inner route)

Undoing the good

Here in our merry lil corner of the world, syawal comes with a 1001 manner of open houses... by the end of which the good rendered by ramadhan dwindles into nothingness. weeeell almost la.. (cant a woman exaggerate a little just to strengthen her point? heheh).

Actually i havent really gone to all that many open houses mostly because the man likes relaxing at home (which translates into that much more entertaining n cooking for me). but theres just no end to the food is there? sana makanan sini makanan.... and all this eating right in the wake of ramadhan al-mubarak is rather disturbing n disquieting. you get to thinking, whats the friggin' point of all that fasting and abstaining we'd done earlier?

Today i had to skip a potluck raya gathering with my semsas batch, nak wat camane the guests kept trickling in. tapi no worries... even though i was kinda looking forward to meeting up with everyone, tetamu harus di dahulukan.

And the other sad part is i've packed in an extra kilo or two since syawal so its back to square one. still havent had the opportunity to run consistently again. sheeesh.... gerrrraaam.

Rindunya kat ramadhan!!

Workout Log
1 hr aerobics - a little tame because they were having a siaran lintas langsung with rtm's selamat pagi malaysia (nooo, i didnt get to be on tv... not interesting enough keh3x).

Meddling exes

You've had your chance... so now gerroff, beat it, vamooz!!

Cant we just rid the world of annoyingly meddlesome & 'over-friendly' exes? my poor girl had the misfortune of having her bf's ex suddenly contacting her during raya. same school but never really friends thus her surprise at receiving the sms. taking it as just another courtesy raya greeting, she didnt really give it much thought until she realised there wasnt going to be an end to the smses. noooooo.....seems like the ex wants to be all chummy with her now!! wtf? something's very wrong with this picture, very very wrong.

Still sangka baik tak pernah rugi and bcos AH's not the type to purposely go out of her way to make enemies, she responded to the 'friendly' overtures. unfortunately things started to become disturbingly annoying when the ex kept bringing up the bf every chance she got. sheesh... apa ni, kata nak berkawan? but looks like maybe theres udang di sebalik mee?

AH's bros (and their buddies.. diorang semua close dengan AH lol) have become mighty pissed that their little sis is being mistreated this way but even tho AH's annoyed and disturbed to the max, i can see that shes smart enough not to let it come between her and her bf. way to go girl. sabar je la....

I'm off to the market. Abe's bringing his golf buddies home for lunch.

A time for change

Theres a time for everything.

Over raya the family decided it was time that 1. AH had her own room 2. the boyz had access to more space.

Since we're NOT entertaining any thoughts of renovating, an extra room obviously isnt going to materialize out of thin air so.... we're shifting the guys downstairs by converting the den (home to the computer, tv, golf paraphenelia) into their new room. that means they (buddies included) would also have total access of the lower area everytime the rest of the family retires for the day. AH pulak can move into the space they'll be vacating. and i, i can start thinking about moving out her bajus thats now occupying a large area of my dressing room. aaaahh the extra space :)

Abe said we'd be dropping by IKEA later to check out what they have to offer after his game.

Projek cuti sekolah la kiranya so no real hurry.

Such a good feeling

Aah to finally have the opportunity to stretch me legs and get the ole heart pumping hard again :)

Yesterday when Abe went out for some brisk walking around the neighbourhood, i was too busy making nasi lemak n such for the 2nd day of raya (which was horribly frustrating bcos i was itching to tag along). today i set my alarm at 5 am and had my rendang ayam and nasi minyak ready by the time he was all set to move out..... no way was i going to be left behind this time heheh.

We were mighty ambitious and for a while there i thought that maybe, just maybe, i'd bitten off more than i could chew. after all i'd taken a break from running the whole of ramadhan. but turns out i need'nt have worried because it was a great run. i was egging him on and egging him on to go that much further and all in all we probably did 5-6 km, with him walking and me jogging (i kept running back to him whenever i turned and lost sight of him... and heeyy, that makes it that much further right?).

Isnt life just peachy :)

Workout Log
5-6K run/ am/ seksyen 9-seksyen 10-seksyen 11 route

Selamat Hari Raya

Salam Eidul Fitri from all of us... to all of you :)


(photo montage courtesy of ijat)

Maaf Zahir & Batin

Man in the house

Finally..... i'm gonna be having my man back in the house :)

He left ashgabat @ 4.20am (malaysian time) and arriving frankfurt @ 5.45 for a long stopover. ETA KLIA 6.25am Thursday and by 7 he'll be back where he belongs.... in the bosom of his family :)

My raya leave starts today. i have been so guilty of neglecting the raya preparations but i'm trying my best to catch up. yesterday AH and me managed to whitewash the front tembok (still a bit more to be done but the frontage is all nice and white now hehehe) and today its shopping time!! its probably going to be one utama or sunway (the new wing is ready) and we're leaving early in case there'll be a crowd later (hate crowds.... actually hate shopping too..... ah well gotta just do it).

Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa

Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia
Untuk selamanya

Apa yang ku rasakan ini
Persembahan untuk diriMU
Kau dengarkan kasihku

MencintaiMU
Tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati

MencintaiMU
Tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku
Hanya untuk diriMU selalu

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa

Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya


.. i lay my eternal love before You; guide us to the straight path... of whom You have bestowed Your grace, not of those who earned Your anger nor of those who went astray.

Tak larat

Gawd i soooooo need to buy stuff for raya but....... tak larat la.

I didnt really think that having mak sick this year would really effect me that much. after all the boys are all grown and abe isnt home so there aint really all that much to do at home (dont have any maids since mak never got along with any of them and it became a stressful situation instead of a helpful one). but i guess i thought wrong.

Now its almost a week to raya and i havent gotten down to doing anything yet. the kiddoes raya wardrobe is still na-da (dah beso pun mama gak yang kena uruskan), the house is still a mess (where to start? help), and i havent even identified stuff that needs change or a makeover.

for example:
AH was terribly excited over the prospect of painting our awful mouldy looking front tembok but everyone seem to get all sleepy and wooozy after sahur right till the afternoon. and then it becomes too hot for any outside activities.

I would have prefered to go shopping the same hour complexes open for business but the kiddoes would rather leave after zohor ...... problem is so does everybody else and that means access and parking to such places were scarce, sometimes even impossible. try going to mid valley or one utama at such times and you'd probably get stuck in a massive jam. not a good idea especially during puasa when most malay drivers gets pissed off very easily (they're not supposed to but thats the glaring reality).

Then theres the spring cleaning.... curtains that should have been laundered last month (maybe i'll just dust them?), kitchen that needs to be cleared off all that ridiculous clutter, rooms to be properly dusted, raya paraphernalia to bring out, etcetera etcetera.

And on top of all that i dont wanna miss out on trying to meingindahkan my ramadhan al-mubarak.

Aduh....

So much to be done and so tak larat.

Signs

Yup... its probably another sign of age whether i like it or not.

I'm definitely getting more muddled than ever, the frequency of which rather scares me actually. since abe's been posted overseas, i've been the one settling our bills (obviously) and its been that way for ...errmm almost what.... 2 years now? you'd think writing out cheques and stuff would've become automatic but nooooo...

A couple of days back i was out on my monthly bank rounds. there i was quite happy i'd managed to secure a parking space in an area quite notorious for its lack of. and there wasnt even a long queue at the bank, there were only 2 other people before me.

So when my turn came i happily passed over the slips (credit card n car loan repayment) only to be told that i'd written out the cheque wrongly - there wasnt a sdn bhd for ambank!!!!! huh? sdn bhd? of course there wasnt... i knew that, in fact everyone knows that. and imagine my utter consternation when she passed back the cheque and there, written quite clearly in my very own hand writing, was 'sdn bhd'. laaaaaaa where was i when i was writing that out (probably the list of contractors i was going through earlier at work had something to do with it la kot hehehe).

Ooh and i forgot to mention that prior to the ambank incident, i was at CIMB (on a similar mission) and only after taking a number did i realise i'd left my prewritten payment slips (with all the account nos. that i cant even begin to recall) in the car. so i had to retrace my steps get the #$@#!# slips and go thru the whole process again. sigh...agak pissed laa with myself.

Last nite plak was another story. some time ago i bought myself a rather comfy hoody, one which AH seem to like very much. i'd seen it again on offer when i was browsing around reject shop and thought i'd get her one of her own.. but somehow i never really got round to it until last nite. so cari punya cari nasib baik la i did manage to find a solitary size M in the whole pile tapi ntah macamana when i got back i realised i'd mistakenly taken a size S instead!!!!!! laaaaa punya la frust rasa cam nak menjerit je at my own carelessness..... tapi bcos AH suke sangat n memandangkan size M tu tinggal satu je mama dia pun gagahkan jugak la pergi tukar. weh loteh den tapi apo nak di kato? just hope this 'condition' dont get any worse, sickening giler!!!!!! oh and who would have thought that with mama going all mental, the day ended with an unexpected, unplanned, late nite (almost 11) visit by AH's bf.... hehehe..... talk about it being stranger than fiction.

And the kids seem to be thrown together by circumstances. we were at the mall earlier today, and where luck would have it, so was AH's bf. mak had voluntered my services to tolong belikan digi top-up for my neighbour's indon maid (nope dont even ask me the why's) and lelaki itu was there with his family for supper (after iftar n solat). somehow the two managed to squeeze in a quiet moment sharing some baskin robbins. hmmm thats two days in a row, and with PMR over i expect some development between those two.... gotta keep my eyes on them :)

Almost over

Eeesh lain rasanye bila anak perempuan ambik exam berbanding anak lelaki. i remember the boys dulu bila tanya je 'how was the paper?' jawapan standard was 'okay la' dengan diiringi muka2 selamba yang kekadang tu amat la menimbulkan geram (nak cubit2 je). tapi dengan sidaro pulak amatlah berbeza... segalanya penuh beremosi siap dengan keluh kesah lagi. with such blatant show of emotions maka cuak dia menjadi cuak kita la juga.

Hakikatnya we reap what we sow... selebihnya pula adalah rahmat NYA. dimulakan dengan usaha, disambut dengan penantian yang di warnai doa, debaran dan harapan dan diakhiri dengan hasilnya.

Kita tunggu dan lihat :)

PMR

Prepared or not, my baby's little battle has started today. she's not sick or anything and for that i'm thankful.... at least its a level playing field.

Mon, 1/10/2007
- BM 1, BM 2, Pengetahuan Islam
Tues, 2/10/2007
- BI 1, BI 2, Science 1, Science 2
Wed, 3/10/2007
- Maths 1, Maths 2, Sejarah
Thurs, 4/10/2007
- Kemahiran Hidup
Fri, 5/10/2007
- Geografi

Ganbate AH !!

SURPRISE!!

It was a great surprise indeed to find AI banging at the front door just some minutes before berbuka. didnt even let out a whisper that he would be in UiTm shah alam, and for the majlis anugerah dekan, fakulti komunikasi dan pengajian media no less.

Good for you darling.... way to go :)

Writing

AH writes to clear her head off these 'avalanches' of ideas... and like avalanches it comes n goes without warning. this means most of her writings do not have a plot and usually do not have an ending either.

Although writing is a major part of her life (she has always been scribbling away as far back as i can remember), she doesnt write for an audience. kekadang dia marah kalau kita baca. now this short piece is something i'd found tucked away in a remote little corner of my laptop. till i figure out my password for the K2A warehouse (place where i store whatever i can scrounge of the kiddoes' meanderings), i'll just 'park' it here :)


UNTITLED (it almost always is untitled hehehe) - by AH 2007

KFC or McDonalds?
How could someone choose between those two franchises? It was like asking a mother to choose between her beloved children. It just couldn’t be done. It indeed wasn’t possible for a bachelor out for dinner alone, it was completely impossible for a 15 year old girl with triplets hanging onto both her arms and hugging onto her legs to decide. The girls were all scared of letting go of her. Sara looked like she was about to burst into tears and her sister Fara was glancing around the mall uneasily. Even tough little Zara looked worried. Elliya didn’t blame any of them. She was 10 years their senior and was trying hard not to break down in tears.
She could not have believed it when Ezri Zhafran, her so called brother, parked by the road to drop off the kids and her, promised to come back in half an hour, told her to decide what to buy for lunch and had driven off, all the while seeming to have completely lost his mind. It was amazing how irresponsible her high-school graduate brother could be. She could just imagine herself delivering a perfect kick to his groin for all the trouble he was giving her. The little girl holding onto her right hand, Zara, the ‘eldest’, tugged at her so strongly it hurt. Obviously she wanted a little attention from the person in charge of the situation. Elliya turned her attention to her, all of a sudden weary.
How was she going to survive this outing, she wondered.
“I need to go shee-shee.”
Zara’s ‘shee-shee’ chanting increased in volume when Elliya sighed, catching a few of the passerbys' attention. Only a couple of seconds afterwards, Fara, the middle kid, began tugging at her other hand, pointing at the ice-cream kiosk perched outside McDonalds. Sensing the commotion and most probably growing more uneasy, Sara, the baby, started to quietly sob. Between the chanting, and the tugging, and the sobbing, Elliya felt like throwing up.
Instead she gathered what was left of her sanity and told Fara, who was usually the calmest, to sit on a bench near them with her baby sister and stay put. When the girl grabbed hold of her sister’s hand and did as she was told, Elliya took Zara’s hand and had only begun to advance a few steps backwards when Fara realised what was going on and yelled at her to stop. Looking into the girl’s flashing eyes, she realised she had no chance of leaving them behind.
It was a dumb idea anyway, she tried convincing herself, sighing.
When she took a step forward in the bench’s direction, Zara gave her hand a sharp tug, her small feet planted firmly on the floor. It wasn’t hard to understand that Zara’s needs were urgent. Nothing could stop her from going to the toilet, not even if her mother asked her to wait for a second. Desperate, Elliya pulled her along, determined to convince Fara before heading to the toilet that it was going to be alright.
Then Zara started shrieking.
This added to her already pulsing headache, and she looked at Fara, hoping she could understand the desperation in her eyes. But Fara wasn’t going to let it go. She shook her head over and over, her eyes already welling with angry tears. Elliya turned, scooped Zara into her arms and slumped on the bench, cursing everyone who stared at them. It was bad enough they didn’t hide their amused stares, they didn’t bother asking if she needed any help either.
She was already beginning to give up on humanity’s kindness when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder.
“Need some help?”
At first she thought it was some kind young woman who understood what kind of situation she was in. A kind young woman who looked as if she could be trusted with two scared little girls. Instead, it was an innocent-looking girl that stood in front of her who looked her age and who seemed completely unaware of the situation which she was offering to help with. She introduced herself as Sharifah Alya Dayana Syed Mukhriz, and flashed her a pretty smile.
“I’ll stay with them if you want.” She offered kindly after Elliya had finished filling her in. She didn’t look as if she could handle a kid in the toilet so Elliya hastily agreed, even though there was a nagging feeling at the pit of her stomach, warning her not to leave the girls with this stranger. But Fara and Sara didn’t seem to feel threatened. They were looking at this Alya girl curiously, in silent awe.
As much as she trusted kid’s intuition, she didn’t want to take a chance. She could just imagine what her mom would say if she lost them. Probably along the lines of how stupid she was. After Zara had relieved herself (without any incidents, alhamdulillah), she took the little girl’s hand and rushed back to the bench were she had left her other chargers. She almost expected to see Fara screaming her name at the top of her lungs with sobbing Sara by her side. Instead, Fara was enjoying an ice-cream cone, chatting happily to Alya. Sara on the other hand, was perched on a young man’s leg, smiling innocently up at him as she silently ate hers.
When she walked up to them, Alya gave her pretty smile while the boy only glanced at her, acknowledging her with his cold eyes. At first it was the eyes which got to her. His eyes were captivating, icy and mysterious, reminding her of an owl’s watchful gaze. Then it was his sharp features that captured her attention. At first she didn’t think he was malaysian, but his skin tone made her think twice about her conclusion.
Zara, blinded by the ice-cream, released her hand and rushed to Fara, who reluctantly shared hers. Alya was still smiling at her when she took a seat between her and the silent boy. At first she didn’t know how to react, what to say. Alya seemed too good-natured to be real.
“I’ll pay you back for the ice cream.” she said cautiously, eyeing the ice cream cone then glancing at Alya. The girl shook her head and pointed at the boy beside Elliya, grinning.
“I didn’t buy it. Syed practically melted when Sara smiled at him.” She explained, giggling. When Elliya turned towards him, he avoided her eyes. There was a slight flush in his cheeks which made him look a lot younger. She was suddenly unsure of his age. His eyes hinted that he was older than her brother, but his appearance told her otherwise.
“It was nothing.” He said quietly, looking up at her only when Sara climbed onto her lap. As the baby, Sara was the clingiest. The one who loved to cuddle the most. For unknown reasons, Sara had stuck to her. Tomboy Zara had stuck herself onto Zhafran, following him around everywhere he went. Fara, the serious one, had stuck herself onto her parents. She was always around when they were talking, sometimes looking as if she understood every word they said.
She gave the little girl a quick peck on the cheek, to which Sara responded by giggling. When Elliya looked up to glance at Fara and Zara, she noticed ‘Syed’ staring at her and Sara. She gave him a smile before making sure Zara and Fara were getting along alright. Thankfully, they were.
Then Syed got up, clearing his throat pointedly. Alya followed suit, glancing at her with that smile of hers.
“I guess I better go.” She glanced at Syed then glanced back at her. “He’s Syed Farhan Akira Syed Mustapha by the way. Call him whatever you want. I just call him Syed. Well, as long as you don’t call him Akira.” She added with a small laugh.
Elliya stood up too, holding onto Sara’s hand as she did. She hadn’t introduced herself, she realised. “I’m Elliya Balkis Muhd Azri. Everyone calls me Balkis. So you can too if you want. Thanks a lot for your help.” She extended her hand, which Alya took almost instantly.
“It was nothing, really. Nice meeting you. See you later, Balkis. Bye girls.”
She nodded and watched them go, smiling at the guy with the weird name when he gave her a sideway glance. With that, they were gone. She was only aware of the butterflies in her stomach when they ceased. It was a confusing feeling, both nice and uncomfortable at the same time. She had had the feeling before, once.
And that was the moment Orlando Bloom appeared on the cinema screen as Legolas.
“Elliya, I’m hungry.”
Back to more pressing matters.
KFC or McDonalds?

**

She woke up the next morning by the ruckus her brother was making on her door. He was banging on it as if there was no tomorrow. Her first reaction after yawning was to scream at him to go away but realizing her mother was probably waiting at the foot of the stairs to see if she was going to start a fight, she decided against it.
Instead, she unlocked her door, took the hand phone offered by Ezri and held it to her ear, shutting her door as quietly as possible, careful not to wake Sara, who had rushed to her room after being woken up by a nightmare sometime in the middle of the night. It was Hayati, and she was excited. Last night she had told her all about Syed Farhan and Sharifah Alya. Turns out both of them were popular but for different reasons.
Farhan was popular because of his looks, as expected, and his cousin Alya was popular because of her long list of boyfriends. Elliya couldn’t have stopped smiling when she found out they were related. After all, they were together at the mall, and they did look rather intimate. Well, in a way. She couldn’t imagine Farhan, as little as she knew him anyway, to be truly intimate with someone. Or rather she didn’t want to.
“He doesn’t have a girlfriend.” Hayati, or Hayat, sang and she could just imagine her friend grinning on the other line. “There’re rumors saying he HATES girls.” At that statement, Elliya, who was brushing her teeth, paused for a moment at the absurdity of it.
How could a guy hate girls?
It just didn’t seem possible.
Sara appeared at the door of the bathroom, rubbing her eyes sleepily. She groggily said good morning and headed towards the sink, taking her toothbrush from Elliya and squeezing lemon-flavored toothpaste on it. As Elliya continued listening to Hayat’s steady stream of chatter, Sara eyed her curiously.
“Run the tap in the bathtub, sayang.”
Sara obediently did as she was told, pausing from eyeing her to put her plastic turtle in the tub.
“Thanks, Hayat. Talk to you later.”
“Sure. Anything for my poor, love-sick Aqish.”
She hung up the phone and slid it on the sink counter, stifling another yawn as she helped Sara out of her clothes. The small girl stepped into the bathtub, reluctantly letting Elliya wash her back. Sara had always wanted to try doing everything herself. Elliya, on the other hand, enjoyed doing small things for her. It was a source for her to feel good.
“I had a dream about mama yesterday.”
The little girl told her silently, glancing up at her as she played with her plastic turtle. Her eyes were clouded with fear and uncertainty, as if the topic she was about to discuss was a bad thing. Elliya told herself not to flinch as she gently splashed warm water on Sara’s back.
“Your mama will be back for you and for Zara and Sara too. She promised didn’t she?”
Sara nodded quietly, refusing to elaborate on the subject. She couldn’t magine how her baby cousin was feeling. Her father had died in a car crash a year earlier, and her mother had accepted a job in Egypt to gather herself to face her babies. For now, her cousins were staying with them. Elliya had only begun to search for things to talk about when Fara came barreling into the bathroom, Zara running after her. Fara was holding her teddy bear, or Mr. Black, and Zara was holding onto hers, Mr. Strip. Both of them were laughing, happily throwing their beloved bears at one another.
Elliya stifled a small smile
At least she didn’t have to think about ideas for conversations.
“Along, Angah, hurry up and take your pajamas off. We don’t have all morning!”

***

That afternoon, as usual, Ezri had lost his mind and had left them at the Sri Desa Mall to pass the time. Her mother had gone to visit a sick relative, taking Fara with her. Zara, who had no interest in roaming around the mall, had talked her way into hanging out with Ezri and his college buddies. So that left Sara and her, with no money (Elliya was flat out broke) and no idea of what to do.
The mall was equivalent to their home, practically their second home. They had already gone to every shop there was. The only place worth going to again was the library situated on the fifth floor. It was also a Cyber Café but it was impossible to get a computer. It was almost always full. Since Elliya loved to read, and Sara loved listening to her read out loud, she decided it was the best place to go. So she took the girl’s hand and led her to the elevator. She had never gone to the library alone before. She usually went with Ezri or her mother. But deciding it was either the library or a bench somewhere, she told herself to grow up. After all, Sara was a good girl. It wouldn’t be hard to control her. She didn’t have to worry about that.
But when she got to the elevator lobby, she started to think twice about getting on it. There were a group of mean-looking boys who sneered at her when she uncertainly stood behind them. Sara, oblivious to her discomfort, hurried onto the elevator, pulling her along. The boys stepped in, crowding around them. When one of them bumped into her and flashed her a naughtly grin, she realized they were doing it on purpose. They tightened their circle around her, and she had the sudden shock of panic when the elevator door started to close. One of the boys stood near the buttons, and he had on a devious smile. Her grip on Sara’s hand tightened and she stepped forward, trying to break the boys’ circle around her. When they snickered and refused to let her pass, she could only stare at the doors close in horror.
“Bang, hold it!”
A hand shot through the small gap between the doors and pushed them back open. At one point, she could’ve fainted with relief. At least, even though the newcomer was also a boy, he wasn’t one of them. At first when he called her name and shoved through the boys in front of her to stand between Sara and her and them, she didn’t recognize him. Then she looked into his eyes and recognized their intensity.
“Why didn’t you turn when I called you, sayang?”
She wasn’t sure how to react. She could only stare at him in confusion, noticing how he was blocking the boys from them with his frame. There were beads of sweat by the side of his face, and he was panting slightly. She pulled Sara protectively in between them, her heart still hammering from her previous horror.
“Hi Abang Farhan!” Sara cried out happily, grasping his jeans as she gazed up at him in awe. Elliya wasn’t sure if she completely understood the situation they had been in, but Sara looked as if she had at least felt her panic. Her baby-ish tone and volume was what no longer made them the center of attention. In fact, the boys looked as if they had done nothing.
Farhan gave her shoulder a little pat and glanced up at Elliya, giving her a small smile. At such close proximity, she found out that it was hard for her to breath. In fact, every breath she took intoxicated her with his cologne.

Closer to home

So far we've been spared the suffering caused by natural disasters of magnitudes beyond imagining... kalau ada pun setakat banjir and still under control.

But with the earth stirring rather frequently up in sumatera, i'm wondering if our buildings will be up to withstanding the gegaran yang berjangkit dan berkait, after all we're neighbours and the affected areas are practically out in our backyard.

Already some buildings are experiencing cracks.... and itu yang nampak, yang tak nampak macamane? even the selangor state secretariat building isnt an exclusion. right after punching in we were instructed to evacuate. and only after about 15-20 minutes of inspection by relevant autorities baru kitorang was allowed to return to our offices at respective floors. tak rasa pun apa2 gegaran probably because we're down at the podium. its the people up in he tower block yang kena, mesti seriau giler, nak naik balik pun mesti cuak punya la.

Susah juga ek.... kalau the earth movement keep getting closer or the ripple effect keep getting stronger, our buildings yang tak pernah designed with earthquake in mind mesti levelled out in an instant. kalau dah memang tau and is an accepted fact macam kat jepun tu lain la pulak.... semuanya dah ready and accounted for (tu pun kekadang habis hancus gak). tapi kita ni yang boleh dianggap lucky tahap dewa memang tak bersedia.... ntah la ek.

Just hope the twin towers was designed with say a teeny weeny mini quake in mind.... walaupun macam impossible je bunyi nya (cost implications kan) mana la tau kan. i worry about my darling when hes there :(

Well quite an interesting way to usher in the 1st of ramadhan.... enough to wake up the sleep induced braincells still struggling to adjust to waking up seawal 4am.

Thank you

Thank you Lord for letting me experience another ramadhan...

Selamat Mengindahkan Ramadhan Al-Mubarak.... semoga segala usaha diterima Nya.

Parents

The wheel of life turns as we move heedlessly on towards our final destination.

Inevitably the kids grow up, we get older and the old becomes the elderly. Its a promised thing and no one is spared.... not unless they die before their time.

And parents.... well now, they are a breed apart. in the minds of their children, they're almost invincible. parents are always there, strong & dependable.... and when you're younger, the thought of them being sick and needy never even cross your mind for how could it? they are after all our superduper heroes.

But of course with maturity comes the realization that they're only human after all.

Now the time has come to extend the same love & protection that they had once lavished upon us..... along with generous dollops of patience. just like the young, orang tua2 bila buat perangai boleh tahan la jugak. but our parents are our responsibility however difficult it may be. without them we wouldnt even be here so tis only right we be there for them when they need us.

For Abe and me, both our dad's have passed on but we still have our moms with us, though neither of them is in the best of health. this morning abe brought mek to the clinic for purging (she also suffers from hypertension & diabetes) while i stayed home keeping mak company (she still gets this on and off fevers). the passing years has certainly taken its toll on them, but i pray that god in his infinite mercy would grant them a relatively calm & peaceful existence. kesian sangat bila tenguk orang tua2 suffer...

Berbakti la kepada orang tua mu selagi peluang masih terbuka luas kerana sesalan itu tiada gunanya.

Workout Log
50 mins HiLo aerobics @ dataran shah alam

Assumptions..

Assuming is such a dangerous thing dontcha think? usually our asssumptions have the tendency of turning out horribly wrong. tenguk something tu kita selalunya assume sesuka hati. bila spouse kita senyap je doesnt mean dia suka, bila anak2 nampak ok je tak semestinya takde masalah, bila jiran kita happy je tak bermakna tak berantakan. eerrmmmm.... macam2 ah lagi.

And 'encik' just because people dont take formal guitar lessons dont mean they cant strum a decent tune ok!! even when shes just a 15 year old girl, if she says that she wants her guitar re-strung and tuned the way SHE wants it, she does know what shes talking about!!

Cant take the easy way out la... hafta always go through life with our eyes wide open because the possibilities are endless. (kalau nak terkatup gak kekadang tu kena tongkat dengan mancis la kot hehehe). jangan cepat assume.

Sunyi pulak rasa the boys sorang pun tak balik. AI memang jarang balik tp AF yang muncul tiap2 minggu tu pun takde, banyak kerja katanya. si daro pulak must be missing her bros sbb out of the blue nak hang out dengan her classmates kat sports planet seksyen 16 - diorang ada lawan futsal to celebrate the birthday of an old friend yang dah moved to indonesia tp balik bercuti. apa2 la daro so long as you know what you're doing. periksa semakin dekat.


Workout Log
5K - am run, tasik

Camni camtu

Letih melayan indecisive bosses. sekejap macam ni sekejap macam tu... ish ish.

Ask any woman and they'd probably tell you its tougher handling lady bosses as compared to men. you would think there'd be greater empathy & understanding at work here but more often than not, the demands and expectations are way higher. maybe women still feel we hafta prove ourselves, maybe lady bosses fear being accused of gender bias. i dunno.

Or maybe she just thinks, i go through the same shit you do so get a grip. i dunno.

But through my own work experience, i have certainly found it much tougher going. and when you factor in 'indecisiveness' along with 'demanding', well, you're in for a joy ride baby!!

*sigh* and off i go to a long and winding (also boring) negotiation meeting. gawd how i wish i was out running instead.

Young love

Aahh... it has finally happened. my little girl has turned into a young woman :)

In an age where budak hingusan pun sakan bercinta, cupid's arrow has found another mark... and this time its not unrequited but equally reciprocated. she has been surprisingly choosy. not for her any tom, dick or harry (or ali, mat or dollah to be more appropriate). in fact she has turned down quite a few 'advances' made by keen 'young men'... when her friends have been changing 'partners' as often as they've been changing clothes (and where kissing is fast becoming a norm in the 'couple' culture), she has been holding back (thank god). selalunya ada je la yang tak kena... she seem to prefer having crushes on hot but obviously unattainable guys.

Somehow through all her goofiness, she's still carrying the torch for this guy yang dia suka since primary school!! alahai such is puppy love or cinta monyet hehehe... he must have made quite an impression on her la (cempedak head hik hik). and i suppose patience has its rewards bcos suddenly out of nowhere, he seem to have developed feelings for her too. how did it happen? ntah, i guess anything is possible with these kids. is it actually love as we know it? probably not but i really cant say for sure. i'm more than a little skeptical of course but we're talking about teenagers here.... they're still kids after all, struggling to grow up as best they can while dealing with all the conflicting and confusing issues that comes with it.

Wanting to love and be loved is part of growing up so lets just bersangka baik and let nature take its course. apapun i'll be watching over her like a hawk even more so bcos she IS my ONLY daughter. and being a mother as well as a woman, i am more than aware of the pitfalls ahead. its so easy to get burned but i also know of the innocence & beauty of first love.

No, i will certainly not begrudge her the experience but...... if only i can protect her from the hurt & pain *sigh*

Enjoy the roller coaster ride baby :) tapi jangan ANGAU... pmr is just round the corner.

Kecut perut

I think its an affliction thats been passed down from mother to daughter. for both AH n me, we're constantly going thru this irritating state of being.

Kecut perut.... people looking at us would never really guess. not unless they go beyond the muka selamba kodok and the sometimes relaxed sometimes aggressive stance to the slight breathlessness, cold n clammy hands and sudden greenish tinge lol. see, we present to the world this confident, independent facade but in reality, kitorang senang sangat kecut perut. and we're both not really a people sort of person - we're easily overwhelmed by large crowds, we develope 2 left feet at social functions, we cringe at any sign of conflict and we kinda lose our tongues in public.

Today AH came home with that tell-tale greenish tinge. yup its a sure sign of a kecut perut session in progress.

"Ok girl spill it all out, what happened?"

Throwing me a desperate look, "ma.. mati la ma... ", a long suspenseful silence and... "echa kena jadi emcee bulan ni!!!!!", another desperate look and she was getting progressively greener by the minute.

AH's been a school prefect since form 1 and has so far been able to maneuvre her way around becoming the emcee, a duty thats rotated monthly. well, seems that her luck's run out and she starts tomorrow.... and boy, is she flustered!! mana tak nye since it involves speaking in front of the whole school, every day, for a whole month. i would be too bcos neither of us like being thrust into the limelight, major kecut perut!!!

So i took her aside and sat her down. my rather vast experience on kecut perut has taught me that the best thing to do is to nip the feeling in the bud bcos dwelling on it will only make it worse. first thing to establish was...

"Can you wiggle your way out of this one?" i asked and dengan penuh tidak bersemangatnya sidaro pun menggeleng.

Yours truly pulak dengan penuh bersemangatnya menjawab, "then of course, what we need is to formulate a plan of action". i knew that would at least get her out of the vicious kecut perut loop and afford her some sense of control. if she took the bait that is.

Alhmdulillah, after talking it thru with her for awhile, she was already calling up her friends for tips and pointers on the matter lol. thats my girl :)

Public speaking.... sheesh, it can make even a grown woman cry (well this woman anyways lol).

Workout Log
2K - pm, neighbourhood route

Shah Alam 10K

Sunday morning up with the lark
I think i'll take a walk in the park
Hey hey hey its a beautiful day!!!

Heheh... i think i'm showing my age here bcos no one out of my age bracket would know this lil' oldie :)


(T-shirt still damp & smelly... even the tomcat's staying far away lol)

Yup beautiful sunday indeed bcos despite my fear of terpukang tepi jalan I DID IT!!! hehehe.. this makcik managed to finish her 10K up and running. sure, it was tough going at times especially around km 7... for a minute there i thought i was going to pancit for sure. but thank god after cresting the hill alongside the MB's residence (section 6 - section 7 boundary) i had my 2nd wind and it was just peachy after that. well my kinda peachy laa, still slow but feeling good. and thats actually what running is about for me; pushing myself that little bit more but never hard enough to lose the joy that running gives me... that freedom of body and spirit :)

Tapi tahun ni ada slow skit laa... last year i did it in 55 mins, this year around 65 mins. ramai betul kenyans tahun ni sampai ramai yang merungut, habis diorang sapu semua. not that it has much to do with back-of-the-packs like me. its never about speed with me, its more of settling into a consistent pace and maintaining it to the end.

I did get a medal out of the 40 alotted for category D (they were still holding a handful when they handed mine over so not too bad la i suppose heheh) but the bonus for me was..... this time i had not only my no. 2 & no. 3 kid waiting to greet me at the finishing line but the hubby as well!!! wah thats almost like winning the lottery la. kebetulan cek abe tak main golf so first time dia tenguk yours truly huffing n puffing to the finish, basah kuyup with sweat and water from the sponges; prove enough that i'm pretty serious about what i'm doing (maybe now he wont jump so much when he sees how much HE's paying for the shoes hehehe).


(Golfman with a low 5... avoided a hug sebab me busuk heheh)

But that was just the tip of the iceberg because it turned out to be quite a loooong day for me. more of that later :)

Workout Log
10K - am, shah alam run